EXCLUSIVE PREMIERE: Enter The “Shark Pit” With Cyborg Octopus

[Note: the following article is satirical, as is the song! Cyborg Octopus are actually an up-and-coming Californian progressive metal band who are re-releasing their debut album, Learning To Breathe, on November 25th via Apewhale Entertainment. If you’re curious about the band’s actual sound, check out their single “Data_M1nefield” or read our review of the album. In addition, their guitarist, David Wu, has been on our podcast before so give that a listen if you’re so inclined!]

In a move sure to rock suburban basements and community youth centers across the globe, Cyborg Octopus has announced both a new single, “Shark Pit,” and the retirement of odd time signatures, blastbeats and sweeps in favor of what founder David Wu describes as “true-2-roots hardcore.”

“True to Roots is all about supporting your local scene, no matter what the cost,” Wu said, while distributing pre-sale tickets to teenagers loitering at the local skate park. “By the way, if you pay cash for presales, you can catch us tonight at the Melted Pizza Youth Collective for $17 instead of $20 at the door.”

According to keytar and saxophone player Patrick Corona, “True 2 Roots” is more than a ploy for maintaining a loyal fan base.

“The new sound echoes modern hardcore greats like Mouthbreather, Double Digit IQ and Spinkick. These guys are out there, making careers for themselves playing YMCA event centers into their forties and fifties, they really have their shit together. We even got serious and hired a financial advisor to guide us through this transition.”

“The fact of the matter is, Cyborg Octopus had a business decision to make,” says the band’s financial advisor, Harold T. Ignoramus. “There’s no money in progressive metal. True 2 Roots appeals to TODAY’S fans: yellow-belt karate students whose parents stopped paying for classes at the local dojo. With any luck, the right band can make TENS of HUNDREDS of dollars in this business. I believe Cyborg Octopus has the sound to be THAT band, and their latest release is poised to propel them to the top.”

While third-party reports from recent concert-goers describe the band’s new single, “Shark Pit,” as a “lame” sing-along about friendship, the seemingly oblivious Cyborg Octopus remains positive that these new tactics are guaranteed to lead to “the big bucks.”

“All of us are hyped,” said bassist George Lallian. “The new lyric video hit twenty views on YouTube, so our guitarist Bobby quit his job as shift manager at Vape Emporium. Things are really looking up.”

You can head on over to the band’s website or to Apewhale’s (their label) to pre-order Learning to Breathe. Show some solidarity, will ya?

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A real woman has curves, and a beautiful body, and a long neck, and a sorta stubby head. A real woman is made out of wood and has inlaid metal frets and pickups. Wait, that's a guitar. I'm thinking of a guitar.






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