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In metal, one of the biggest problems is reaching a new demographic. Can you believe that people are averse to smelly guys screaming at them for extended periods of time? Keep reading if you want six tips to gain a respectable fanbase that isn’t filled with manchildren.

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1. Cut out all harsh vocals.

You know who yells and screams? A baby when he throws a temper tantrum because he didn’t get a shiny new toy from the store. What are you, a baby? If your lyrical content is good enough, you shouldn’t have to hide behind unintelligible screeches.

usa_vs_france2. Song titles need to be in a foreign language.

What shows greater development than leaving your cultural comfort zone to appreciate the beautiful wordsmithing of the French? Replace those long medical condition names with a quote from an obscure author and you’ll be in business! Je suis sophisticated, am I right?

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3. SLOW. DOWN.

I know all your friends in high school were impressed by how quickly you could play ‘Eruption’ by Van Halen, but this isn’t high school anymore. People look to music to feel something that definitely isn’t confusion and frustration caused by your useless flurry of notes. Let’s reign it in a bit and use more melody instead of wank filler.

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4. All band photography has to be in black and white.

You know who likes lots of colors? A child that shits his pants regularly while he watches Sesame Street. Is this the audience you want to appeal to, or would you rather catch the eye of that tasteful black and white Tumblr run by a 35 year old with a promising career in web design?

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5. Synthesizers. That’s it.

Seriously, it doesn’t matter how robotic your playing is or how yawn inducing your riffs are as long as you lay down a couple of swirling keyboard lines. This adds “atmosphere” and is sure to have people hail your record as a masterpiece and say that it’s like no other album in the genre. You can thank me later.

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6. Stop playing metal.

The only true way to mature as a metal band is to quit playing altogether. Your parents had such high hopes for you, too. They sent you through college so you could have a lucrative job, just so you could throw it all away and ride around from city to city in a van with four other sweaty men? I can only imagine how disappointed they are in you.

-RC

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