Valentines

Last year we put together a compilation of some of our favourite songs to play to a loved one over the Valentines “holiday”. This year is no different. To celebrate the most saccharine of fake celebrations, please find below some of the Heavy Blog staffs sexiest selections for you and your loved one (or loved ones, we exclude no one, not even you polygamists!) to enjoy. Share this with that special someone instead of cheap chocolates or gas station flowers and we guarantee (we don’t) that you will have the best sex of your life this Valentine’s. All hail the mighty aphrodisiac power of music.

1. Whitechapel – Viser Exciser

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As we all know, Valentine’s is a day to spend with your significant other, and nobody knows this better than Phil Bozeman of Whitechapel. His dreamy, sensual voice, accompanied by an equally lovely and soft-spoken backing band, will leave your lover enticed and wanting more.

Line to softly whisper in their ear, detailing a night of excitement:

I will spit right in your fucking face.
How does it taste? After the lips are sealed below your waist,
You will never fuck again.

2. The Dillinger Escape Plan – Milk Lizard

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You really don’t need to look much past the title to understand that The Dillinger Escape Plan’s Milk Lizard is the ultimate V-Day banger. If you do delve into it, however, you’re gonna find a whole lot of lyrical gold (and a ridonkulously catchy guitar riff that will camp out in your brain for the next eighty-four percent of forever, probably). Factor in a little bit of horn section action and we’ve got a certified heart-melter on our hands, the likes of which we haven’t seen since Lonestar’s Amazed. This Valentine’s Day, say it with Milk Lizard.

Line to moan into their mouth, mid-makeout sesh:

Well, missy, it’s a lock for load.
If you wanna grind hips, don’t do it alone.

3. Call Of The Void – I Hope You Two Fuck

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Call of the Void play a slow, soft, dare-I-say sexy style of blackened grindcore that will please any lover. I Hope You Two Fuck, a personal message from the band to the listeners, is the perfect song to show your bae to let them know just how much you care. They’ll be drawn in by the jazzy, melodic intro and experience a world of pleasure.

Line to write on the bed in rose petals:

I hope you two fuck.

4. Xibalba – Stoneheart

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Has there ever been a more loving, tender band than Xibalba? Here at Heavy Blog, we certainly don’t think so. Stoneheart, their undisputed masterpiece of a love song, is about the warmth and accepting nature of the singer’s love, and after listening to it, anyone will be ready to love their Valentine.

Line to put in a Hallmark card:

Hate and lust have filled these vein,
So I cut that bitch called love.

5. Pig Destroyer – Deathtripper

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Pig Destroyer might just be the most romantic band in all of extreme metal, even through the heartbreaking prose reflecting on the passion crimes of your deepest and darkest fantasies. JR Hayes pens grotesquely picturesque poetry that just goes to show that even when things go south, it’s important to stop and appreciate the little things in love and life. It’s a philosophy that we could all apply to our love lives, really.

Lyrics to tattoo on your body in misguided dedication: The whole thing.

I hold your hand in mine
The rest of you is scattered all over
Your rib cage is open like a great white’s jaws
Your legs look so sexy out of context

6. Propagandhi – This Might Be Satire

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It’s official, shit’s getting real between you and the bae, and just in time for Valentine’s Day. It’s time to take your relationship to the next level, but your bumbling self lacks the eloquence to profess your undying love and your burning desire to consummate that love in the purest way. Fear not, friend, for in their infancy over two decades ago, Canadian punk rockers Propagandhi shat out a catchy little ditty to help you through this exact scenario. This Might Be Satire is a minute and a half of upbeat pop punk sunshine that wastes no time in driving its point home. Guaranteed to make your lover swoon.

Line to serenade them with:

I wanna chew my bubblegum with you,
And I wanna walk you home from school,
And I wanna carry your books to every class,
And I wanna fuck you up the ass.

 

On that note, Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone!

-HBIH

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