You want Pentageese, the debut album from the wild and wonderful band Knyght Moose. You just don’t know it yet.
Having been graciously handed the opportunity to shill for my own band’s album via Heavy Blog, I racked my brain long and hard about how best take advantage of the situation. Should I concoct an elaborate, cartoonish story about how Knyght Moose came from outer space to change the world of music forever? Should I plead my case — ham fisted, ten miles up my own ass, and painfully earnest — for the relevance of this music and its validity as an artistic endeavor? Should I post risqué pictures of all the very handsome band members to win over the Heavy Blog readership with raw sex appeal?
No. None of that would do. I couldn’t stomach resorting to any of those tactics at the expense of my artistic integrity. Instead, I’m just going to point out all the reasons why you would have to be a dumb idiot not to download Pentageese.
First things first. This music is great. It might actually be the greatest music humanity has ever produced. Since I’m an expert who has heard just about every piece of music ever composed throughout recorded history, I think you can defer to my judgment on this. These songs were written with no filter whatsoever, because the members of Knyght Moose were imbued at birth with infallible minds and creative genius far beyond normal human comprehension. Literally everything that crossed our minds during the writing and recording process, even for a fleeting instant, made it into these songs, because curtailing our worst impulses would take a higher level of psychological development than we in Knyght Moose have attained.
The lyrical content of this album is simply a revelation. Over the course of its ten tracks, Pentageese tackles such heady subjects as butts being kicked, rudimentary Spanish phrases, and giving your money to Knyght Moose. Astounding stuff, really. How have you been living for so long without this? I can’t answer that question. That’s something you’ll just have to sort out through intense personal reflection, or with your therapist.
The poetic flourish and philosophical astuteness contained herein is rivaled only by Knyght Moose’s mastery of all musical genres. You will hear gnarly metal. You will hear stolen Led Zeppelin riffs. You will hear bad (secretly good) imitations of lounge music. You will hear funk. You will hear more metal. I think that’s all the genres. Imagine if noted music superstars Jack Black and Fred Durst were given the task of writing an entire Faith No More album. Now picture that forever, because that’s Knyght Moose, and it’s perfection. Trust me.
This album will teach you about the progression of time and the effect it has on art. Many of these songs were written when the average age of a Knyght Moose member was approximately 18. Four and a half years later, we present this album to you. Absolutely none of the foibles of our juvenile songwriting were fixed over the course of 4 years, but at least we figured out how to stay in time. To make up for our improvements, we decided to actively make some parts of these songs worse just to preserve the original character of the pieces. Here’s a video of Young Knyght Moose trying to perform a “song” from Pentageese in 2009, clad in matching khaki shorts and unwittingly sowing the seeds of future grandeur.
Next, scroll up and take look at that album art. Observe the stunning realism of the Moose Man’s musculature, juxtaposed with the absurd nature of his very existence. Really makes you think, doesn’t it? I could stare at this picture all day. Note the inimitable, pristine, crisp lettering of the Knyght Moose logo, adorned with symmetrical ornamental antlers on each side. The antlers symbolize the moose, which is the animal in the band’s name. My friend Riley Wycoff made this art for free, so I have to credit him by name every time I mention it or he will put a bomb in my house.
Last, but not least, you want this album because Knyght Moose are miserable young adults, either fresh out of college or still in it, and we need you to give us all of your money. You’ll note the Bandcamp page I’ve linked to allows you to “pay what you want” for Pentageese. By now, if you’ve read all this, I’m sure you want to pay us at least $500 for this album, because the Moose is just worth it. Besides, if we reach our pledge goal of $600,000,000 maybe next time all of the band members can actually appear on the album instead of me having to record 90 percent of it by myself and use EZDrummer because no one in the band lives anywhere near each other anymore. You can also download it for free if you’re a heathen.
In conclusion, there is absolutely no reason why you should not want to download this album, put it on your Portable Music Device and blast it at full volume at public or formal occasions. You can click the link in the first sentence of this post, or check it out in the extremely neat embedded player below. We worked really hard on it and if you don’t like it you’re wrong. You big stupid idiot.