Things That Are Fucking Metal is new series of satirical comedy pieces that explores what makes metal so fucking metal. So hold tight and cut out the bitching, as it’s a joke. I know it’s sort of ruining the experience if I make it obvious, but I know there will be butthurt. So without further ado…

Metal is the musical equivalent of piledriving a shark, and much like shark piledriving, it should be left to the men to take care of. It takes testicular fortitude to write some deep introspective lyrics and pissed off music. Sure, we’ve all heard the saying, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” Yeah, that would be true if you want to listen to a song about bullshit Facebook drama and how poor their self-esteem is. No one wants to hear that shit. Get the fuck out of my office. Metal isn’t for people who get extremely butthurt and emotionally unbalanced for five days out of the month. I’ll admit, bleeding is one of the manliest and most metal things one person could do, but not when it isn’t caused by something awesome like a barfight or a motorcycle collision. The fact of the matter is chauvinism and metal go hand in hand. You can’t be metal without being manly. This is a fact of life and if you disagree, I will slap your shit.

Sure, you could make the argument that metal is a sausage festival, but did you ever stop to think that this is no coincidence? You bet your ass you didn’t, because you’re a dipshit. Women in metal are doing one of the two following things:

1. Being eye candy
2. Ruining it

Just look at Winds of Plague and their constant cycling of disposable female keyboard players. They could easily stick a man in that spot and get some real work done, because men have the natural instinct of getting shit done. But no, Winds of Plague are trying to scrape the bottom of the barrel and attract the lowest common denominator while trying to hide the fact that their music isn’t very good (which isn’t working, by the way). You know what happens when you have a woman in metal? They do stupid shit like taking topless pictures of themselves and stirring up drama where it doesn’t belong. Show some class, for Christ’s sake. You’re making yourselves look bad.

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