The biting bi-weekly bible on all things metal is back, baby. I shouldn’t have to tell you that alliteration is metal; The Number Of The Blog builds their whole week around it. No, this week’s topic is on poverty. Despite the fact that money is said to be the root of all evil (and evil being a fairly metal concept), money has everything to do with awesome and nothing to do with metal. To put it simply:
MONEY = AWESOME
METAL = AWESOME
MONEY =/= METAL
Don’t give me that look. It’s called being mutually exclusive, dipshit. Was your ACT score a whopping 7? Fuck off. No, here’s the theory behind this money/metal mathematical mix-up (more alliteration, bitches):
- People are attracted to awesome things. This is Theoretical Awesomeness Gravity at work, also known as TAG. This may or may not be where the body spray got its name.
- Things with a large mass of awesome (such as a lot of money and music) have great gravitational pull. The more awesome something is, the more gravity it has. Metal is clearly the most awesome genre of music, and being the heaviest genre, it has more mass. This is making so much sense, it’s blowing even MY mind.
- When an assortment of smaller awesome things are combined with a large awesome thing, you get a Solar System of Success. More alliteration. Fuck me, I’m awesome.
- When two very large awesome things get too close, they pull into eachother, creating a clusterfuck of debris and bullshit that could reach critical mass and implode upon itself. Sure, you could sift through the rubble to find some gems, but most of the larger chunks of awesome have been incinerated. Too much of a good thing is bad for you.
- Therefore, when you get money too close to metal, they pull into eachother and collide, effectively ruining everyone’s good time.
Make sense now? Don’t be silly, of course it does. I shouldn’t have to tell you why a rich man making metal is bad news. What are they going to write about? Stock portfolios? Mortgages? There’s the door to my office. Get the fuck out. The metal will be boring and uninspired, with no artistic strive other than for financial gain. That’s not metal at all, man.
Comments From Hell (04/11-04/17)
Chris Catharsis brings you the week in review of metal bullshit every Sunday. All the news you might have missed and whatever else is on the chopping block!
Well here I am – writing my first post for HBIH. It’s a humbling moment, not unlike my first trike ride or back alley BJ. I’m no stranger to the metal blogosphere, having been the owner and primary writer for Spine Language for practically a full year now. Good times were had by all over there. I interviewed some great bands, had some original concepts, and even started an Internet war with Otep (check that one off the god damn bucket list). My posting there has been infrequent as of late because it takes a lot of time and effort to make quality content that satisfies my perfectionism, but my partner Dasher is doing a great job of making it seem like I know what I’m doing.
But now it’s time to start a new chapter with HBIH, and it begins with this weekly metal wrap-up column. I don’t intend to cover absolutely everything, just what I take notice of. Think of it like the CNN ticker, except with choice comments from the dirty asshole I call a mouth. The point is to stimulate discussion and catch you up on things you might have missed; we’ll see if either of those objectives are actually fulfilled in the end (my prediction: highly doubtful).
Time (or rather word count) is of the essence – so let’s begin.
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