In a turn of events that has experts baffled and the internet in shock, it seems that complaining on the internet has actually, for the first time in recorded history, produced physically tangible results.
Following the announcement that radio bore-rock sensation Avenged Sevenfold would be headlining UK festival Download, the fallout was as expected — the sound of a thousand screaming teens was met with the derision of a thousand tr00 metal fans that are still inexplicably interested in attending Download. But one sole cry rang true and cut through all the noise with a staggering 10 likes(!?) — “why not Dying Fetus!?”
“Everyone is going on about that this is good to give new blood a chance , then why not machine head, lamb of god, testament, dying fetus or carcass give them the chance , bottled is only thing I can imagine happening to a7x when they go download”
Yes, why not Dying Fetus? The premier death metal act have produced album after album of earth-shatteringly heavy riffage and face-crushing breakdowns (the newest of new blood), so why shouldn’t they be headlining one of the largest festivals in Europe? Soon #whynotdyingfetus started to trend on Twitter and the wheels of fate began their motion. As with any opinion came the disbelievers, Metal Hammer ran an article of Kotaku-level bait to provide hits in between the articles on Black Veil Brides and Five Finger Death Punch, but even their snide comments could not stop the unstoppable train of inevitability.
We spoke to Dr. Albert Quorthonian, an expert in internet whining with a side interest in brutal death metal, to get an insight into the issue:
“It’s genuinely staggering. Never before have I actually seen complaining on the internet have a real effect on the world, we’re currently looking into an Illuminati level cover up and trying to verify whether John Gallagher is or has ever been a Freemason and/or lizard person. The other possibility is that the sheer negative level of quality provided by the announcement of Avenged Sevenfold had to be balanced and Nature simply thrust Dying Fetus into the line up to stop a complete-collapse of space-time, but our physicists have had very little to work with on this theory. Whatever the cause, you can guarantee we will get to the bottom on this as we are currently looking at harnessing the energy into convincing Microsoft to simply give up with the Kinexbox One and save themselves the embarrassment.”
More news as we get it and, as always, be careful out there.