Lich King

There has been a lot of rumbling as of late concerning Slayer and their drummer Dave Lombardo, who appears to have been replaced for the band’s upcoming Australian tour. We haven’t really touched on this here because… well, no one among us is all that big of a fan of Slayer, to be quite honest. Or at least not to the height that we normally like to be when we post about bands on here. While the story has been covered by pretty much every other site, it’s probably for the best if I do a little re-cap. In short, Dave Lombardo has been ousted from Slayer (once again) following his investigation into the band’s finances. It seems that Mr. Lombardo was not being properly compensated during and after tours, and after suggesting some changes to the way the band has been doing business, he received a notice from the band’s lawyer telling him that he would no longer be taking part in the upcoming Australian tour.

While that seems pretty harsh of the band (cough, Kerry King), it hasn’t be specified whether or not Lombardo will be permanently replaced or if this is just for the current tour. Lombardo stated that he hopes that the situation can be resolved. So there seems to be some small chance that he could return to the band (again) at some point in the future. However, an alternative solution has been proposed by the formidable Lich King.

Lich King, while not the biggest name in thrash, are easily one of the most enjoyable. They present old-school thrash to the masses with a healthy dose of tongue-in-cheek humor, and they’ve never been afraid to speak their minds. And now with the recent events with Slayer and Lombardo, the band have decided to extend a courteous helping hand to the now displaced Lombardo. Taking to their official Facebook page, the band has posted a short letter to Mr. Lombardo for his consideration.

In the letter the band says that they would be more than willing to accept Mr. Lombardo into their ranks as their new drummer. The band makes clear that signing with them would offer amazing opportunities for Lombardo, including twelve dollars in cash after each show, a signing bonus of one hundred dollars, and a most generous twenty dollar gift card to Red Robin. It’s quite stunning, I know.

There are some stipulations to this generous offer, though. To be included in the obvious duties of drumming (duh), Dave will be tasked with hauling gear, driving long hours while the band is on tour, and handling all the duties and obligations that are currently being fulfilled by the band’s current drummer, Brian Westbrook. These duties include providing a practice space for the band, booking tours, and recording/producing the band’s future material. While that seems like a lot of duties to handle, Dave will be happy to know he will be one hundred percent in charge of handling the band’s finances and accounting, a privileged he never had while a part of Slayer. Oh, and he’ll have to fire Brian for the band, as well as change his first name, as there is already a Dave in the band.

In my opinion, this all seems rather swanky, and Dave would be a fool not to accept this offer. It would definitely add to his underground. You know, as long as he passes the audition. Oh, I didn’t mention the audition? You thought he would be able to join the band without proving his skill? Don’t be silly.

You can read the full letter from Lich King below, and be sure to give the band a like on Facebook, and pick up their latest album, Born of the Bomb, and all of their other material, right here.

“Mr. Lombardo

What with your contract woes with Slayer, it seems you are now no longer a member. Well, Dave, they say with every door that closes, another opens. A big door with our logo on it has just swung wide.

That’s right, you just got called up to the big leagues. We’d like to invite you to drum for Lich King.

We are the world’s premier unsigned western Massachusetts thrash metal band, and a position with us carries a great deal of clout and privilege. In addition to the twelve dollars we can give you out of our pay split after EVERY SHOW, we are willing to offer you a signing bonus of ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS and one (1) gift certificate for $20 at Red Robin.

Your duties will include

• Drumming

• Hauling gear

• Driving long hours on tour

• Providing us with a practice space because ours belongs to our current drummer Brian

• Booking tours (also a Brian duty)

• Doing the band accounting (another Brian job)

• Recording and producing our albums (Brian again)

• Telling Brian he’s fired

A caveat: we already have a Dave in the band, and to avoid confusion, you will have to pick a different first name. I think Steve Lombardo has a nice ring to it, but the choice is yours so long as it does not clash with any of our names and it passes our approval by a majority vote.

If you accept our terms, there will of course be an audition. We can’t just let you in without seeing what you can do. Practice up on any three of our songs. We can send you the mp3s to practice to (we will deduct the 99 cents per song from your future earnings) and can schedule your audition at your convenience.

We await your response.

Cordially

-Tom, Dave, Joe & Rob

LICH KING”

– EC

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