Eek! A mutant fern growth!

Nobody has really bothered to scribble about this topic, even though it is a pretty well known and widely acknowledged phenomenon, so Happy Metal Guy takes it upon himself to re-inform the masses why we all know worshiping Satan is for losers! Please bear in mind though, that Satan itself is not to be blamed for the huge levels of loserdom that will be made fun of in a while. Instead, the honor goes to the everyday “Satanic” black metal nerd who thinks he or she is too tr00, kvlt, and kool for Nintendo. Social stigma and limited appeal aside, Satanism is a religion much like any other mainstream religions, such as Christianity; and like any other religion, Satanism could do with followers with actual faith in its philosophy rather than dyslexic geeks whom simply scroll all the way to the bottom of the software license agreement and click ‘Agree’.

Jesus Christ and Glenn Benton

1. In The Name Of Satan, Grow Out Your Hair Like Jesus Did.

It is amusing how a number of so-called “Satanic” metalheads share a great resemblance to the traditional illustration of Jesus Christ. Now, let’s just pause for a moment and think. Just how many truckloads of metal musicians and fans have we seen possessing more hair on their head than the rest of their body combined? Sure, there are those skinheads, mohawkers, and the emo scene kids, but the traditional long-maned metalhead is still the most common sight around. Be it hard rock, heavy metal, death metal or black metal, so many metallers adopt this rebellious look while headbanging at gigs, raising the horns and screaming Satan’s name. Yet they actually look more like Jesus than the Devil. C’mon guys, seriously, how does the traditional depiction of Satan look like? Yeah, it’s that ubiquitous and cheesy illustration of a crimson imp with Viking-style horns on its head and a pointed tail, and it holds a trident too. If you still can’t picture what I am describing, go take a look at the album cover of Iron Maiden’s 1982 landmark album, The Number Of The Beast. To date, how many of us have actually seen any metalheads don red body paint and adorn horns on the sides of their cranium, put on a prosthetic pointed tail and carry a trident around? Well, probably only during Halloween, but most definitely not during our daily lives and at metal gigs. Perhaps I am just misunderstanding the intentions of these Jesus-resembling “Satanists” though. It could be some kind of ironic joke that they are trying to pull off here.

 Venus_Morning Star

2. Lucifer ≠ Satan

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that Satan is, in fact, not freakin’ Lucifer (and vice-versa). “Satanists” like to use the name “Lucifer” interchangeably with “Satan”, but that is actually inaccurate and will certainly be seen as blasphemy to the real Satanists and Luciferians (Yes! Lucifer is a separate entity and has its own religion!).

Many words in the English language are derived from the ancient Latin language, and for a word like “Lucifer” with such strong roots in religion, it should strike anyone with a healthy dose of common sense that the word is most probably derived from the Latin language too. True enough, if one does some simple research, it will be discovered that the Latin term “lucifer” was derived from the Latin words “lucem ferre”, which means “light-bearer”. It is the name given to the Morning Star, which is actually a reference to the planet Venus when seen in the sky at dawn, which is also itself a reference to the casting down of Satan from heaven during Satan’s fall from grace simply because the ancient people could not understand why Venus could not be seen at night like the other planets (in other words, the odd one out); and we all know how ancient blokes liked to associate the stars they saw in the night sky with deities. So basically, the few early Christian theologians who first referred to Satan (the odd one out among the deities) as “Lucifer” (aka Venus, the odd one out among the planets seen in the night sky) most probably meant it in an astronomical context rather than a religious one. “Satanic” metallers, if you guys believe that your passion for “Satan” is actually religiously-inclined and want more people to take you seriously, do your research beforehand.



3. Horizontally-Inclined

This is the only part about Satanism that most “Satanists” seem to follow correctly. Satan encouraged independent thought in mankind and hence, gave rise to the phenomenon known as human intelligence. Of course, human intelligence runs the gamut from Dodo-level stupidity to Einstein-level intellect, and most “Satanists” fall into the former category. However, the concept of “human intelligence” as a whole is what theoretically gives rise to laziness as well, because smart people always find the shortest and easiest ways to accomplish things, and while the “Satanists” we are discussing about certainly aren’t smart, they are at least capable of being self-aware and knowing that exercise makes them feel… not good. This probably explains why most “Satanists” are in dire need of cardio workout.


Tim Curry's Satan

4. Remember, Satanism Has Already Been Widely Romanticized And Unfairly Depicted In Popular Media.

Popular media has done enough damage to the image of Satan. Why are the “Satanists” of our heavy metal community contributing further to such a mainstream scheme when they often like to denigrate mainstream moral values and cultural practices? Seen above is actor Tim Curry’s portrayal of Satan in the 1985 fantasy film called “Legend”, and boy does it look so cheesy. Popular media often romanticize Satan as an ugly, inherently evil being with prominent horns on his head and red skin, which is an unfair depiction of the fallen angel and should remind one of that offensive early portrayal of African-Americans in Western comics/cartoons as black-skinned men without noses and swollen red lips.

If you are someone who appreciates the exclusive nature of heavy metal music, you should be capable of understanding that such an acquired taste will lose its thou-art-special value when you tread the same shallow path as mainstream society. Although “Satanic” black metal bands don’t actually depict Satan as such a comical character, their interpretation of Satan is still shallow, mindlessly violent and twisted. This is highly likely due to the fact that they worship First Wave of Black Metal bands such as Venom, whom they probably didn’t realize were portraying Satan very cheesily in their lyrical themes only because no one has ever done it before then, and it was hence considered to be a novelty because of its shock value. So, can modern, metal-obsessed “Satanists” please explain where they got the idea that Satanism is about eeeeeeevvvvvvviiiiilllllll (read that in Diablo’s voice), killing virgins, impaling Christ a quintillion times over, drinking goat’s blood, and fornicating with cadavers? Only losers don’t read the instruction manual before operating that newly purchased gadget.

 Black metal meme_I Like My Churches Burned

5. Big Words, Tough Guy.

With the exception of a minority of musicians from the era of the Second Wave of Black Metal in the early ‘90s, all self-proclaimed “Satanists” in the modern extreme metal community are never actually going to carry out the often psychopathic and twisted actions described in their words. Many of them put on corpse paint, spikes and revel in the ugly world of lo-fi black metal music because they feel that strangers are paying more attention to them when they do extreme-looking stuff like that. When they aren’t doing their “Satanic” stuff, many of them actually look just like everyday people, such as that obese guy you bumped into at the Doritos section of Walmart or that pale and thin guy watering his mother’s flowers in the family garden.

Of course, they only appear to be normal people on the surface, because what is actually crawling about underneath that façade is a socially-awkward social reject whose only joy in life lies in trying his/her best to attract the attention of strangers in any way possible; and one of the best ways is, of course, extreme metal’s very own old school black metal culture. They feel that they cannot be accepted under normal conditions as described above, and hence, feel the psychological need to appear “inhuman” under the guise of an evil-sounding pseudonym, evil-looking makeup and primitively obscene costumes in order to obtain that elusive pleasure that is linked to the desire to be noticed by other people. It’s so sorrowful, isn’t it? As much as these “Satanic” guys try to pass themselves off as being “passionate about metal” and above mainstream stuff such as seeking attention from others, they don’t realize that their subconscious is actually telling them otherwise and making them out to be excellent case studies for use in psychology tutorials. Do they even know that paramount figures from some of the most respected batch of early black metal bands such as Abbath (Immortal) and Fenriz (Darkthrone) don’t take black metal too seriously beyond the fact that it is musical entertainment?


comparison between traditional Satanic symbol and inaccurate heavy metal Satanic symbol

6. Symmetry Is Beauty (Left: Traditional symbol of Satanism, Right: Typical unnecessarily-embellished heavy metal “Satanic” symbol)

Most of the so-called “Satanists” we see infesting the extreme metal community are the very “poseurs” they like to label others as, as much as they might like to claim to be otherwise. Their raison d’être probably arose from deprived or tragic childhoods (i.e. That kid that perpetually had the “Kick me” paper sign stuck to his back), and once they hit puberty, they decided to incinerate the birds by breathing fire and cleave the bees in halves, preferring instead to answer the call of pseudo-Satanism (which was so favored by pioneering bands such as Venom as a form of bloody entertainment) and go ALL SERIOUS about it! Thinking that they will finally get the attention their deprived inner child so craved for! Attention is what they get, but it is of the negative breed.

One of the most common practices required by their brand of pseudo-Satanism to attract such negative attention is having the quintessential “Satanic” symbol, and if religious graphics are supposed to be superficial representatives of the “inner beauty” belonging to any religion (“inner beauty” being defined as the seriousness with which a religion treats its set values), pseudo-Satanism is simply ugly. Appalling, grotesque, unsightly, repugnant! This is because pseudo-Satanism almost always utilizes unsymmetrical designs, which shows what kind of misguided spirituality one can expect from its followers.

To make this point clearer, let us first have a quick look at how external beauty is defined. Last year in April, 18-year old Florence Colgate from Britain won the “Britain’s Most Beautiful Face” contest simply for having highly symmetrical facial features. The ancient Greeks said that optimum beauty is obtained when the distance from the eyes to the mouth is one-third (33.333…. %) of the face, and it is a near-perfect 32.8% on Colgate’s face.

What about the internal beauty of the “Satanists” (aka “inner beauty” as discussed above)? Most probably non-existent. There is this saying that goes: “You are what you eat.” So when the same concept is applied to one’s spirituality, “You are what you believe in”, as well. Hence, a pseudo-Satanist whose “religious belief” can be represented by an unsightly graphic doesn’t comprehend the concept of spirituality.

Symmetry has always been an important aspect in beauty—it is what makes traditional tile/textile patterns so mesmerizing. Unlike the real Satanists who actually have pristine symbols with perfect symmetry and greater concepts tagged to such visually-pleasing shapes, the “Satanic symbols” that “Satanists” use are asymmetric and superficial. In fact, it is highly possible that such ghastly symbols are usually drawn for fun because it looks cool and fits the misfit-of-society image the “Satanists” are trying to portray. While not flawless doctrines themselves, happier and mainstream religions such as Christianity and Catholicism typically use a perfectly symmetrical symbol in the form of the famous crucifix; and again, while not all of their followers are winners themselves, they do grasp the concept of spirituality better than pseudo-Satanists.

Pseudo-Satanists! It is never too late to start hailing Jesus Christ or Mother Mary instead of your “Satan” if the concept of spirituality is too intellectually demanding to comprehend! It is sure to make you a more beautiful person, spiritually-speaking of course. Not to mention the concept of “spirituality” can finally be applied to you guys.

6.66 The Overusing Of Triple Six.

“And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name. Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six. (Rev. 13:17, 18)”

That, my triple-six-spamming “Satanists”, is the excerpt from the Bible which first made reference to your weighing scale score: 666. Iron Maiden did not come up with it; neither did Venom. The number of the beast has lost its original meaning since Iron Maiden and Venom first popularized the usage of “666” as a “Satanic” symbol among mainstream metal circles, and even then, the former only used it as lyrical inspiration due to a nightmare one of its members had while the latter used it for shock value to stand out in the frustratingly happy and tame musical entertainment industry of their era.

Used with its original meaning in mind, the number of the beast is actually the best “early warning” sign that the Christians have to warn them of the end-times. Not going into too much detail about it like some picket-carrying Christian fundamentalist camping outside of your local gay bar, it is said that the number of the beast will appear on a man of great status and wealth, and that should said person be found, the individual characters that make up his official job title will all add up to the numerical value of “666″ (with some slight alteration of characters involved if you get close to “666″, but not exactly “666″… convenient, eh?). Now, “7″ is considered to be the number of perfection in Christianity (and hence, holy), and because “6″ is lower than “7″ by a single whole number, “6″ is considered to be a less-than-perfect number (and hence, unholy). So, the people who bear the number of the beast are considered imperfect and believed to be either Satan’s advocates or instruments, and contrary to popular metal beliefs, people bearing this unholy number are NOT the reincarnation or physical manifestation of Satan itself. Apparently, by the time these people are discovered, they would have been tricked by Satan already and were earlier fooled into wearing the number of the beast on either their forehead or hand; once bearing this “mark of the beast”, they will not be spared God’s wrath on the Day of Judgment (aka the end of our world and the human race as we know it). Obviously, those who don’t bear this ominous mark will be supposedly spared from God’s planet-destroyer of some sort (namely the Christian goody two-shoes), so it is understandable why Christians abhor and perhaps quiver at the very thought of bearing the number of the beast, since it would be very life-threatening to do so. Now, this actually sounds pretty malevolent and creepy as compared to the lame 666-ing and hail-Sataning of the “Satanists”, doesn’t it?! You’d think that “Satanists” actually know what they are talking about whenever they utter “666”, but no! They know about 666’s original significance in a religiously superstitious context about as much as their XL T-shirts know the exact circumference of their girths.

It is a curious phenomenon. Many “Satanists” can’t even count the number of digits they have on each limb (they think they’ve got 6 fingers on each hand, 6 toes on each foot, and 6 slits on the other one), and they are completely ignorant of the laws of mathematical logic and pragmatism as well. This is evident from using cute expressions like “666% Satanic!”, and setting adorable prices for merchandise, such as “$6.66” and “$66.60”. Yet they throw the number around everywhere with a zeal so childishly sincere that you want to believe their skull is actually not hollow, hinting at the possibility of possessing some intelligible reason behind such a behavior, but unfortunately there really isn’t one. They are simply obsessed with the hype over the number of 666 and want to join in the fun of being “in” on the cultural element to be accepted by socially-awkward “Satanists” since normal people wouldn’t.

Here’s a list of ridiculous 666-associations to end off this post. It is a great example of how people can get too focused on the symbolism of something for the sake of the symbolism itself rather than the deeper implications behind it.


A Collection of Numbers of the Beast

666             Number of the beast

668             Neighbor of the beast

670             Approximate number of the beast

DCLXVI          Roman numeral of the beast

666.0000        Number of the high-precision beast

0.666           Number of the millibeast

1/666           Common denominator of the beast

666[-/(-1)]     Imaginary number of the beast

1010011010      Binary number of the beast

29A             Hexidecimal number of the beast

-666            Negative number of the beast

00666           Zip code of the beast

$665.95         Retail price of the beast

$699.25         Price of the beast plus 5% state sales tax

$769.95         Price of the beast with all accessories and replacements

$656.66         Wal-Mart price of the beast

$646.66         Next week’s Wal-Mart price of the beast

$333.00         After-Christmas sale price of the beast

$222.00         Going-out of business liquidation price of the beast

Phillips 666    Gasoline of the beast

Route 666       Way of the beast

665             Older brother of the beast

667             Younger brother of the beast

666 UP          Soft drink of the beast

666lb cap       Weight limit of the beast

666 F           Oven temperature for cooking roast “beast”

666k            Retirement plan of the beast

666 mg          Recommended minimum daily requirement of the beast

6.66%           5-year CD rate at First Beast of Hell, $666 minimum deposit

20/666          Vision of the beast

1-800-666-6666  Toll-free number of the beast

999             Australian number of the beast

6″X 6″X 6″      Lumber of the beast

66.6 GHZ        Computer processor of the beast

666i            BMW of the beast

666-66-6666     Social security number of the beast

6/6/66          Birth date of the beast

666.AC.com      URL of the beast

IAM 666         License plate number of the beast

Formula 666     All-purpose cleaner of the beast

666 calories    Diet of the beast

969             Dyslexic number of the beast

WD-666          Spray lubricant of the beast

66.6 MHz        FM radio station of the beast

666 KHz         AM radio station of the beast

Chanel No. 666  The beast’s favorite perfume

666%            What the beast gives in his game

(Source: Rapture Ready)


Happy Metal Guy is neither an expert on religions nor a devout Satanist, and the observations he has penned down in this article merely serve to represent his thoughts on the scum of the black metal community. He is a caring father of two meatballs, a devout Pastafarian, and is currently pursuing a B.A. (Hons) degree in Spaghettiology.


3 Responses

  1. Lilith Gusion

    Loved this article. Well written!
    Most people have 3 distorted visions of Satanism:
    Through the pseudo satanists you mention in your article, through Hollywood movies and what the Christian world feeds them. Especially during the days of the absurd satanic panic.
    I am a Satanist and proud to be so.
    I would like to quote Anton LaVey, who said:
    “The real Satanist is not quite so easily recognized as such.”
    Wild hair, inverted pentagrams on your t-shirt and black lipstick does not make one a Satanist. At the same time, I know plenty of Satanists who are very real and do fit this description. And that, in the end, is the true beauty of REAL Satanism, whether it is LaVeyan, Spiritual Satanism or atheistic Satanism: FREE WILL. No blind following, but the true freedom and beauty of free will.
    -Devoted to Satan, as always.


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