Still have that number you picked? Good. Multiply it by a hundred, then subtract 13 from it. Take the last two digits of your number and switch them. This is your new number, you’re supposed to remember this one now. Don’t forget it, we’re almost there.

Have you seen the movie “Hamburger Robbery”? It’s an action film from the 90’s starring that blonde guy whose name I don’t remember right now, but he’s the one who was always in that kind of movie. The plot of this one was pretty interesting. You see, the villains in this movie are guys who work for a hamburger chain, and they have a shortage of burgers so they decide to steal from their competitor. Their plan involves hitting a supply truck in a manner similar to how outlaws robbed trains in cowboy movies. The hero is some random driver who’s having a bad day, and he gets caught up in the middle of the robbery. Turns out things are more complicated than it seems, and there’s an assassination attempt on the president at the same time and location as the robbery. After a thrill ride of explosions, brawls with gangsters and a hilarious kill scene involving two hamburgers, our hero is able to secure the burgers and foil not only the heist, but also the assassination attempt on the president. Anyway, that was a cool movie, I just wanted to share that. You should go watch it right now, the trailer is on youtube and the movie is available on IMDB for streaming.

As Cheese walked into the clinic after his master, he was overcome with dread. Turns out that the building was made out of wood. You see, the dog’s parents were crushed by a falling log, so he was perpetually afraid of wood. He tried to bear through the unbearable trauma caused by his phobia, and he followed his master to the vet’s office. The protagonist and the vet started talking, but Cheese understood nothing, because he was a dog. Why would you expect him to understand anything? Well, turns out that the vet decided to run a few tests to determine what was wrong with Cheese. First he did the typical drop test. He dropped Cheese from the third floor window to see if he would break. He did. Most of the bones in his body broke. Then he did the burn test. He set Cheese on fire to see if he would burn. He did.

Then, after running some other diagnostic checks, he put Cheese in an X-Ray scanner to see if he had broken bones. But the vet accidentally applied a thousand times more radiation than he intended to, so Cheese instantly got cancer all over his body. Such is life. Then, after reaching a verdict, he decided to go talk to the dog’s owner. He sat down with our protagonist, and offered him coffee. The protagonist liked his coffee black, with just a hint of mint in it. The assistants brought him coffee, but it the hint of mint was a bit too string, so he sent it back and asked for another coffee. This time, the coffee had milk in it, which made the protagonist quite angry. He sent the coffee back again, in hopes that they would get it right this time. Indeed, they got it right this time. You see, third time’s the charm. Or so the saying goes.

As he sat down in the large leather chair in the office of the vet, he was very careful to not cause friction with the chair in order to prevent untoward sounds. But all the events of the past few days had taken their toll on him, so his bowels just exploded with diarrhea. Even though the vet did notice, the protagonist tried to act natural and ignore what just happened, so he shat down, excuse me, sat down in his soiled pants. The delicate, warm feeling of his own excrement was weirdly comforting. The veterinary tried to remain his composure, and presented his diagnosis to the protagonist. “Your dog, sir, seems to have a few problems. He is paralyzed from the waist down, his body is covered in lacerations, he has all kinds of cancer, all his bones are broken, his front paws are completely mangled, he has frostbite all over his face and has lost all his senses, the branding in his mouth has completely destroyed his digestive system so he can’t consume solid foods…”

The protagonist was very distressed by these revelations, so he pulled out his gun and shot Cheese, and Cheese died a slow, excruciating death. Then he shot the vet, because the vet was flipping a coin (Remember what I told you, this is what happens when you don’t avoid getting shot). As the vet died, he saw the notes on the vet’s desk, which read: “Mr. Protagonist, turns out that Cheese is actually your long-lost son. For some reason you think he’s a dog, but he’s actually not. He had come back home to tell you he loved you.” So the protagonist shot himself.

Don’t listen to this album.

King Cobra – The Darkness gets…

Oh God/Why


– NT


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