You see, Cheese was a dog. This is relevant to our story because dogs have a good sense of smell. But he lost his sense of smell during the branding he received earlier, which sucks. But such is life. As he and his master reached the summit of the mountain to get to the vet’s office, they realized it was really cold. Cold enough, in fact, that Cheese had gotten frostbite without realizing, and lost both his ears. He was a strong dog though, so he didn’t complain too much about it. Not that he could, since his tongue was branded. Anyway, he and his master approached the vet’s cabin. They knocked on the door, but there was no response. They kept knocking, knocking and knocking. The master was starting to get hungry, and in the absence of food, he couldn’t restrain himself and took a bite out of Cheese. Cheese didn’t mind, since even if he did, what was he going to do about it? He was paralyzed from the waist down, his front paws were mangled, and he was mute. Such is life. Eventually, they decided to break down the door. In the absence of tools, the protagonist used Cheese as a battering ram to break down the door. That broke Cheese’s ribs, because the door was wooden. You see, the dog’s parents were crushed by a falling log, so he was perpetually afraid of wood. As they entered the cabin they realized that the vet was dead, and had been for quite a while. Also, he wasn’t even a vet. Turns out that they climbed the wrong mountain. They started trekking down the mountain, yet again following the brilliant strategy of having the master ride Cheese.

You know what? Pick the worst music ever imaginable. Okay, don’t pick The Darkness, that’s part of this thought experiment. Pick the second worst music ever imaginable. Listen to it. Listen to how horrible it is. You hate it, don’t you? Good, hate is a strong emotion. Let it settle in. Let it burn inside you, consuming you. Isn’t it bad? It is, isn’t it? Isn’t it? Anyway, now listen to The Darkness. You’re experiencing a new sensation, aren’t you? Now go back and listen to the other, second most awful thing. Doesn’t it feel so much better? Isn’t it actually pretty good to be listening to it? See, The Darkness is a very positive listening experience. It makes bad music seem good, so you can appreciate more music! That’s an awesome thing in my opinion. There is one problem. If you’re like me, and are trying to give this album a fair review, you probably just wasted 5 hours of your life that you’re never going to get back. Why would you do that? Do you hate America? You’re probably a communist. Also, you probably lost all cognitive function and the ability to write a proper review, so you’re probably writing three thousand words of nonsense, with a story randomly inserted into it. No? You’re not? Oh, it’s probably because you’re not as idiotically determined as I am. Anyway, speaking of a random story…

I once knew a guy who knew a guy. Literally, the dude knew only one guy. He had ever met a single person in his life. I don’t know how that happens, but apparently it just does. You know how sometimes you flip a coin and someone shoots you before the coin falls? You collapse on the floor in pain, as your life fades away from within, your eyes are closing, and the coin is till spinning in front of you as you try to desperately take a glance at what side would turn up, because you needed to determine who was going to buy the popcorn? Well, in those situations you never see what side comes up on the coin. It’s just one of those things about life. Trust me, I’m speaking from experience, this happens to me almost daily. Let me tell you the trick to getting out of those situations. It’s actually pretty simple. Don’t get shot. Most people think the trick is to not flip a coin, but that doesn’t guarantee that you won’t get shot. Not getting shot actually guarantees that. Also, how else are you determine who is going to buy the popcorn? You could play rock, paper, scissors, but that comes with many complications. First winner wins? Best two out of three? Best three out of five? Also, do you present on the fourth shake or the third shake? These are serious problems. There’s also the issue of getting shot. So take my advice, and just don’t get shot. This makes life way easier. Now you know.

Back to the story of Cheese the dog. Or whatever is left of him. After a long and painful journey down the mountain, they arrived at the other mountain. As they started to climb the mountain, they realized that this one was also covered in spikes due to a freak spike accident. What are the odds! Anyway, using that same painful, slow and excruciating method of having the protagonist ride Cheese, they finally got to the summit of the mountain. The  vet’s office was closed for the weekend, so they decided to wait until the place opened up. Soon after the protagonist got a phone call. It was his estranged wife. Turns out she was dying, and she needed to see his beloved husband one last time. But the problem was, she was in a hospital that was far away, and there was no way he could reach her before she died. So he listened on the phone as she died a slow, excruciating death. As the phone’s battery died, he realized that his hand had also died, due to frostbite. If he wanted to save the rest of his arm, he would have to amputate his hand. The problem was that he had nothing sharp with him. A brilliant idea hit him as he approached Cheese. He plied out Cheese’s teeth with his bare hand, and then slowly sliced at his own arm with the teeth. It took several hours of blood loss and nerve damage and unbearable pain, but he was able to manage it. Until he realized that he accidentally amputated his left leg instead of his left arm. So he started chopping and slicing again, until he was able to amputate his left arm at the shoulder. As Monday morning came by and the sun came up, he realized that he didn’t have frostbite, it was just numbness from sleeping on his arm. Oh well, bygones be bygones. As he wallowed in these thoughts, the veterinary’s doors opened for him to take Cheese in.

You’re probably thinking what the point of this story is. I’ll get to that in a second, but a better question is, “what’s the point of this album?” Also, “why do dragons dream of electric sheep?” If only I knew. As for the dragons, you should know that one. Anyway, does music have to have a point? Sometimes music is just music. You need to be able to appreciate that. An artist can do whatever he/she wants, regardless of whether you like it. It’s called “artistic expression”. Or something like that. It’s hard to put an objective number on a review. You see, this entire article is actually criticism on the practice of giving numerical values to albums. Music is a feeling, it’s not a number, and you can’t just quantify art like that, man. You need to go to that dark place inside your heart and touch the coldest feelings that you’ve hidden away. Only by recognizing your inner potential can you unlock the true purpose and calling of your life. I can’t tell you what that is, you need to discover it for yourself, but trust me, it’s worth it. Unlike this album.


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