Back to The Darkness. You know when you get when you take GarageBand drum loops, randomly hit guitar chords on top of that and just mumble endlessly for 5+ hours? I know most of you would say “shit music”, and that’s true, but you also get this album. You see, The Darkness is actually a concept album about Alzheimer’s disease. It is performed brilliantly with the intention of replicating music made by a real Alzheimer’s victim. The album is actually based on a true story. The story is as follows. Timmy was a kid who went to elementary school. Among all kinds of other things, he was supposed to learn of the arcane magicks of the obscure art called Mathematics. He was give a math problem to solve. The question was posed as such: “If you listen to something so terrible that you lose an IQ point every minute, and the whole thing was about five and a half hours, how much IQ would you lose by the end of it?” Timmy just shot himself. This story is a very touching one. Unlike The Darkness. The Darkness is more like pouring bleach in your ears and then jumping in front of an 18-wheeler. In other words, it’s a transcendental experience.

We now interrupt our regular programming to give you a message from our sponsors. Pick a number. Any number. Good? Keep that number in your mind, it will be relevant by the end of this article.

Anyway, Cheese was dying of wood poisoning, because his master’s shoes were wooden. You see, the dog’s parents were crushed by a falling log, so he was perpetually afraid of wood. Thus he got wood poisoning. His master was supposed to take him to the vet, but the guy was blind and crippled. They decided to crawl the way to the vet, because the power of love prevails any hardship. The problem is, the closest veterinary was at the top of a mountain, which is a pretty high place. They decided to go for it anyway, because what else do they have to do? Anyway, they started their slow crawl. The problem is, the mountain was covered in spikes due to a freak spike accident that occurred a few years ago. As such, both the protagonist’s and Cheese’s hands were torn apart fairly quickly. Covered in their own blood, burdened by pain and sorrow, they soon realized that they wouldn’t make it to the top of the mountain this way. They took a break from climbing and pulled out their mountaineering gear and quickly devised a plan. Cheese suggested an unorthodox approach to mountain climbing. The protagonist reluctantly agreed. He got on Cheese’s back and started to ride the dog all the way to the top. This way, the protagonist’s hands would get destroyed by the spikes, and Cheese would get doubly injured because of the extra weight. Also since Cheese was paralyzed from the waist down his entire body was up against the spikes, his flesh being torn and dragged by the rusty, sharp nails. It was a long and painful journey, but they finally made it up to the top, but in the process Cheese’s front paws were damaged beyond recovery.

So, as with any album, you should ask yourself the question: Why should I listen to this? That is a very good question indeed. Why should anyone listen to The Darkness? If only I knew. Maybe you are living a very fulfilling and happy life but are suddenly overcome with the urge to end it but don’t have the incentive to do it? Well, this album would help with that. Are you having a great day and haven’t had a headache in months and you miss it? Well, here you go. Do you feel like wasting money on an absolutely inconsequential and undeserving product? Well, here you go. Am I saying this album is bad? Wait, that isn’t the right question. The question you should be asking is, “Why do dragons dream of electric sheep?”, but I already said I don’t know the answer to that. Why do you keep asking this question? What’s with the dragons anyway? By the way, remember how I told you to pick a number? Good, don’t forget it, I’m about to come back to that. But first let me give you some context.

You know that feeling when you get into a taxi and you realize that you are in the wrong city? I do too, I can totally relate to that. There’s actually a scientific explanation of that feeling. You see, some people are lactose intolerant, and some people are diabetic. Diabetic people can’t eat sugar. Sugar is a type of carbohydrate. Carbohydrates are typically shunned by people doing certain types of diets for several reasons. You see, your diet is very important. It basically dictates what goes into your body. At least in terms of food. There are other things you can put into your body, but I’ll talk about syringes. Syringes are used for the administering of vaccines. Considering how a vaccine is supposed to give your body the ability to fight against certain diseases, it all comes full circle. The disease causes that feeling. Mind blowing, right? Sometimes it’s the little things that get you.


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