With the release of the Lou Reed/Metallica undead abortion of a musical “endeavor” right around the corner, and it’s obligatory internet leak floating around, my mind started to stray to other musical projects of absolute revulsion and stupidity. I decided to chronicle the various pieces of music that not only activate my gag reflex, but also seem to inject me with a bit of entertainment at just how terrible of a thing they are.
5# Rebecca Black – Friday
I really didn’t want to include this — I really, really didn’t — but how could I not? No offense to the little lady, but this is the absolute worst way to start out a career as a professional musician. Who on Earth is going to take her seriously after this piece of garbage? The only redeeming quality it has is the fact that it’s so damn quotable. Being a high school student in The U.S. means that the best things are those with loads of quotes to dish out . So instead of having to be witty or an interesting conversationalist, you just have to quote various lines from funny movies, or not so funny abominations such as The Room, or Rebecca Black. Almost a year after the release of this song I still hear “GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY” being shouted or recited through the halls of my school at the end of the week, or when someone is discussing the plans for their weekend. Annoying? Yes. Is it going away? No. I almost feel bad for this girl. This thing is going to haunt her for the rest of her life, and the only thing she’s going to have to console her pain is the tremendous amounts of money she made off of it. Oh…Fuck.
#4 Rockstar Supernova
While not being able to claim the quotability value of gems like Friday, Rockstar Supernova has always held a warm spot in my heart for just how unbelievably terrible and generic it is. Which I guess isn’t all that much of a surprise seeing as it was spawned from a reality show. The band is a so called “Supergroup” like the Justice League of America, or the Republican National Committee, but unlike those two powerful entities, Rockstar Supernova has no super powers other than being un-listenable garbage. The saddest part about this group, aside from the fact that they all probably contracted Hepatitis from Tommy Lee, is that this band actually has some talent. Despite what you may think of Metallica, Guns N’ Roses or Mötley Crüe, all three of those bands put out some really cool stuff in the past and, while none of them are anywhere near my favorite band, I do think some respect is owed to the individual members that make up Rockstar Supernova. Hell, even the singer whose name I don’t care to remember had some decent chops. Unfortunately, like I said above, this thing was spawned from a FUCKING REALITY TV SHOW! That automatically exempts it from being anything other than atrocious. I think this band could have pulled some pretty impressive music together but it was clear from the beginning that they were only in it for the publicity and, of course, the fucking money. So while Rockstar Supernova missed their chance to do anything remotely good, you can still hold onto the hope that maybe, just maybe, someday Lady Gaga and Katy Perry will end up doing a reality show spawned collaboration with a 15 year old Russian hermaphrodite.
#3 Kim Kardashian Thinks She is a Musician
It seems like each song is getting more and more unbearable as I go, and that’s precisely the point. I don’t really know why Kim Kardashian is so famous, or how she got rich, because it’s quite apparent from this song, and the bits of her show Keeping Up With the Kardashians that I’ve seen, that she has no real discernible talent to speak of. The very premise of this song is that Kim is a hardcore party animal and likes to go to clubs, which I’m sure she does, and proceed to shout ‘Turn it Up’ whenever her Jam comes on. I’m not sure what constitutes as her Jam. Maybe her Jam is the song Jam by Kim Kardashian, but if that were the case then the song would be about her hearing her own song and proceeding to create the song about the song that she heard and created….AHHHH. God, why do bored starlette’s feel the need to fuck with people’s livelihoods by putting out such terrible music? The only upside to such a terrible thing like this song is that at least Kim realized how terrible it was, and decided that she couldn’t morally keep whatever money she made from the misery of those who actually bought the song; so in the end she donated all the proceeds to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital[www.stjude.org]. A noble cause indeed.
#2 Spermswamp Knows He’s Not a Musician – Still Doesn’t Care
High School can be a really terrible place – bullying, stress, bad hair days and so on. One of the upsides to High School is the level of social interactions that take place and, when so many people are talking in such close proximity, a lot of great music can be passed around. With that in mind, a lot of not so great, and often times terrible, music can also be passed around; which brings us to Spermswamp. I don’t know that much about Spermswamp as it’s not the most popular musical endeavor, but according to their Facebook page it’s a one man band playing “Cyber Porno Gore”. I have no goddamn idea what that is, but it scares me. It scares my soul. Although I’m not the biggest fan of the Grind- or -core genres, I would much rather listen to something from those bands instead of releases like ‘If Abortion is a Murder, Masturbation is a Genocide’. It’s creations like this, and people like Spermswamp that are responsible for God no longer talking to us. This is truly the worst stuff I have ever listened to. I know there’s a lot of bands who use shock value to create some sort of image to draw in listeners and gain popularity, but the basis behind Spermswamp seems to be to gross out and detract as many listeners as possible. If that is indeed the case, then bravo Spermswamp. Bravo.
#1 Devin Townsend Remixes Rammstein
This one is a bit different than the others by the fact that it’s actually really fucking entertaining. I’m a huge fan of Devin and Rammstein, and “Rammlied” is one of my favorite track from their 2009 album Liebe ist für alle da, but what Devy does to this track is just… insane. I honestly can’t believe this was feature on an official single from the band. It perplexes my mind, because if this was done by any other guy off the streets it would be hated and destroyed. I guess it’s a testament to how much people love Devin, and a testament to how fucking silly The Ol’ Dev is.
You know, with all the songs featured here, none of them come close to being as bad as what Metallica and Lou Reed are passing as “music” later this month. It’s disturbing just how bad it is… Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the read. Now go listen to some good music. Cheers!