It has come to Heavy Blog’s attention that a lot of rumours and secret projects are popping up all over our internets at the moment. Having the comparative deductive powers of Batman and Sherlock Holmes combined, we’re pretty sure we’ve worked them out. Can your own MENSA-esque IQs match ours, or are you the mental equivalent of a fetid banana? Either way, let us inform you of our theories. let the game commence!
Case 1: The Black Mass Conspiracy
Picked up by The PRP over the weekend, a couple of bands – namely Shai Hulud and Bring Me The Horizon – have been tweeting about this. Linking to this website, you get a thirteen second, Opeth-esque dark acoustic guitar loop that sounds like it’s going to build into something tasty. Never does, but it’s a brain teaser all the same. Also present is a live countdown, which will run out on October 11th, thank you very much.
This one may well have been cracked a full 57 days ahead of schedule though. We tracked down a Twitterite by the name of Curbside Audio, lassooed his feet together and dangled him over Paris Hilton’s gaping vagina, and got him to spill what beans he himself had…spull.
Mind you he got this information from Billy the Rat, who heard it from back-street Jenny, but it’s rumoured that New York hardcore band This Is Hell’s forthcoming album is to be titled The Black Mass. Given that it’s due out about that time, and both BMTH and Shai Hulud have toured with TIH in the past, and conceivably are friends, it makes sense that they’d try to churn up the rumour mill.
Case solved? Good as.
But wait! Our work is not yet done! Read on for more..
Case 2: Metalsucks’ Suckiest Project Ever
Like your sister’s hot friend wearing yoga pants at their sleepover, Axl and Vince have been teasing our hormonal, metal-hungry brains since the week before last with details of something that’s “gonna be big. VERY big”, and giving the following hints:
- It’s not a list.
- It’s not a new record release.
- It’s not another free comp.
- It will involve 20 bands.
- You won’t be able to read it, although you will be able to read about it if you miss it.
- If you do miss it, you are going to be really, really sorry.
It’s happening sometime between November 3rd and 5th in Manhattan (home of the Metalsucks Mansion, or so we’re led to believe). My money is one some kind of festival-type thing, but 20 bands doesn’t seem huge for two days (the third isn’t strictly speaking part of the main event), so perhaps it’s actually some sort of tournament; a fight to the death if you will. Mastodon, riding woolly mammoths, vs. the disfigured, hellish creatures of GWAR; Vader, wearing black breathing masks, vs. The Sword, wielding…well, you get the idea.
As it turns out, this was ‘solved’ before I got a chance to post this – and I was right! That’s what you get for having builders constantly fucking up your internet supply (and water, whilst you’re in the shower mid-washing your hair. Great.) so you can’t post!
Case 3: The Curious Rise of The Monolith and The Iron Council
Possibly the most intriguing of all three, we’ve been trying to get you guys to help crack this for us. A Facebook page appeared within the last few weeks claiming that “The Monolith is stirring”, along with a pretty nice-looking holding page for a website, that plays a brooding, Massive Attack-esque track on loop.
A few things have trickled through, including the following vignette:
“We stood in silence for the first time in what felt like ages. Days had become weeks, weeks…years. To think we had been traveling all this time to find out we were nowhere close to finishing what we had started was horrifying. As we stumbled blindly out into the world again, we were immediately greeted by the sun searing our vision away from us temporarily. Faintly, we bore witness to circles of crows moving in the sky and there….there it stood.”
We’re enjoying the intrigue and the atmosphere, but we’re not being given anything more at the moment. Their Twitter mentions ‘The Iron Council’, who I guess are the dudes in charge, but the word is that every 50 ‘likes’ of their Facebook will reveal something more. Gizza hand, would ya mate?
This is Inspector Informasiya signing off for now…