Sometimes we get some absolute gems of e-mails turning up in our inbox. Most are your bog-standard press releases, review requests and interview opportunties, but every once in a while a subject line will catch your attention – a subject line like:

ASKING ALEXANDRIA Surprisingly Offered Opening Slot On Charlie Sheen’s “My Violent Torpedo of Truth Tour”

Surprisingly? Doesn’t quite cover it in my opinion, but then again, if you take a closer look and dissect the following e-mail, it begins to make a little more sense.

The UK hard rock sensation, ASKING ALEXANDRIA, have blazed a trail of debauchery across North America over the course of numerous tours and their lifestyle is now becoming infamous, which has been heralded by many mainstream publications.

“Heralded” in the sense that we’ve all heard how much of a douchebag Danny Worsnop has been of late, and to be fair, the rest of the band’s admirable handling of the situation.

The group’s recent Billboard top ten charting debut, high-profile Jimmy Kimmel Live! performance and reckless image recently caught the attention of representatives of the notorious troubled actor Charlie Sheen. He must have took a liking to the band as he personally extended an offer for them to be the opening act on his current “My Violent Torpedo of Truth Tour.”

A tour which, according to numerous reports, has had droves of people walking out of. Despite all the memes and comedy gold coming out of the man’s mouth, let’s face it: Charlie Sheen is a mess. He’s completely out of touch with ‘this particular terrestrial realm’, and that he considers Asking Alexandria worthy of his own particular brand of anarchy doesn’t bode too well for them.

ASKING ALEXANDRIA was extremely flattered by the offer and are big fans of Sheen, but unfortunately current touring obligations prevented them from accepting this high profile slot.

Probably true, but perhaps a shrewder move on Sumerian’s part that perhaps I’m willing to give them credit for. Distancing yourself from an ticking warhead like Sheen is a no-brainer really, but the excuse is a worthy one, and not a flat-out “dude…just…naw”.

The group would like to publicly thank Sheen for this special invite and promise him that the tiger’s blood runs deep in all of them. Sheen claims to be a rockstar from Mars, but the real question is if he can hang with these British titans. Hopefully their paths will cross one of these days. Winning!

Oh. Dear. Lord. But why do this? Let’s be honest: the Charlie Sheen meme has passed its peak; ‘winning’ is no longer winning, and Adonis DNA has been found to be super inbred. Forcing the funny is impressing no-one, Sumerian.

Worth a few Friday morning lols, before this week’s round of Rebecca Black parodies get going.

– CG


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.