Dr. Acula


01. Clinger (Stage 5)
02. Fire Crotch (The Venerial Van Ride)
03. Welcome to Camp Nightmare
04. Currenly Sexting
05. Cocaine Avalanche
06. Song Before the Song
07. Pure and Immature (Goon)
08. Who You Gonna Call?
09. All Work No Play
10. Slander
11. Slampig (…And Then The Bitch)
12. Party 2.0
13. The Big Sleep

[Victory Records]

I’m going to make this quick, cause I can’t take any more of this.  Dr. Acula is a 7-piece band (which is completely unnecessary, because the music can easily be performed with 4.) that have been around since ’05.   Their first 3 releases had some form of a quirkiness to them.  They were god-awful releases, don’t get me wrong, but Dr. Acula knew that they were trash, and they just didn’t give a fuck.  They actually developed a decent fan base.  And I admit, I thought The Social Event of the Century wasn’t the worst release I had ever heard.  But then the bastards at Victory Records got a hold of them, and then it seems like everything about Dr. Acula changed.  Their logo, their appearance, and their sound.  And this is the worst thing that could have possibly happened, as this is the worst album I’ve heard in quite some time.

The album is, in essence, one big 39 minute breakdown.  Yes, there are shreds of melody.  Yes, there are minuscule shreds of talent (and I’m being generous when I say minuscule).   However, I don’t ever think I’ve ever heard such a monotonous record in my life.  Dr. Acula is one of the few bands that can make Emmure sound good.  Hell, none of the breakdowns are rhythmically intense in the slightest.  If the rhythms were on paper, an 8th grader could read them.  And they even resort to dubstep in some places, which only succeeds in making the shitty sound shittier.

In addition, they’re the only band I know of that make Emmure seem mature.  Seriously, here are an example of lyrics from “Fire Crotch“:

Mark ass trick. Thought you won in the end.
I won’t be using no protection when I fuck all your friends.
So fuck all your friends, fuck. Fuck all your friends.

As you can clearly see (along with the egregious song titles), they have the maturity of a horny 8th grader.

The production quality doesn’t help this either.  It’s PERFECT, but this doesn’t make this album any better.  Because this band is a total joke, somewhat poor sound quality would make this album just a little more charming.  But no, the quality is great, and this writer thought that this effort is a serious attempt at getting more popular.  I believe this is where the term ‘sellout’ is used.

Another thing: the samples.  THE FUCKING SAMPLES.  Samples are used from a myriad of movies.  They had the sheer audacity to use a sample from Zombieland, which is a pretty sweet movie, in my opinion.  I can see them using samples to try and make the shitty music have a little more appeal, but in the end, they look even more stupid.

And a note for all the fans of this atrocious band, I know this is a joke.  I know they don’t take themselves seriously.  But there is a limit.  And this crosses the limit on infinite levels.  There are such things as being a joke and still sounding good (Listen to Cephalic Carnage‘s great song “Dying Will be the Death of Me“.).

This album is all that is wrong with most music today.  Boring, stupid, annoying, generic.  I imagine this album plays on repeat in hell.  And so I leave you with this question: Why would you put up with this when there are COUNTLESS other bands that do it infinitely better?

Dr. Acula’s Slander gets…

0.5 out of 5

– GR

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