This is why we can't have nice things

I’ve been mulling over writing an article about this issue over for a while, but Metalsucks’ Vince Neilstein today posted his own take on the ‘Myspace issue’,  questioning why the holy shitting panda-balls anyone except the socially deficient and black metal bands (who don’t want to be found anyway) are still using it.

I’m not denying my social networking heritage. I used to be on Myspace. I had more ‘friends’ than is usual for a such a dweeby sixteen year-old boy to have, and I was lucky that probably only about 20-30% of them were paedophiles. I even got laid thanks to good ole’ Tom (thankfully with one of the other 20-30% – the remaining 50% of my friends list being bands).

But there are so many slicker and more successful platforms available nowadays (ever had an Oscar-nominated film made about you, Mr. Anderson?) that to still even have a Myspace profile, let alone remember your login details, is cause for some serious internet stigma and makes you fair target for anything said on 4chan.

Funnily enough, it’s pretty much bands and bands only that are staying Rupert Murdoch’s corporate axe. That, and kind djentlemen like Jimmy who click through ads – not because they’ve fallen for that zillionth promise to enlarge their penis in the hope that this time it’s true – but to keep some poor Myspace drone in their crack habit.

As Vince points out though, it’s truly incredulous that today’s undoubtedly internet-savvy band still bothers with the outdated crock of owl pellets that is the Myspace band page. You know what I mean – that little regurgitated ball of undigested rodent bones and the beaks of smaller birds that our silent, wingéd friends charmingly hurl back up when their intestines tell their stomach that shit certaintly ain’t passing through there, no sir. Indeed, like these repulsive little bundles the components are there, but it doesn’t in any way resemble what it should.

Pretty much, xkcd. Pretty much.

I’ve got to the point now where I actively avoid the damn thing. If a band has a Myspace page, I will venture to it for one of only two reasons: 1) I need some information about them (and this will only be because there is no wikipedia entry/insufficient detail on their or Facebook page), and 2)  I’m drunk. Otherwise, I certainly ain’t listening to your br00tal choons or looking at your recent photoshoot with Crapmag 24/7.

I don’t know how or why TNOTB’s DGR puts up with it, but I certainly won’t. Especially not with platforms such as Bandcamp and Soundcloud making impressive leaps forward – and by forwards I also mean a little bit backwards.

Soundcloud is the epitome of simple and classy. You get a player, to which listeners can add time-specific comments (“OMG, cRaZy DrOp d00d!”). Tracks are embeddable (we like this), and you can add a link to buy it on iTunes or wherever the kids are these days. It’s all very nice.

Nascent – TESSERACT by Daniel Tompkins

My personal favourite is Bandcamp, however. It’s fucking beautiful. Banishéd are the nightmarish, html-mad layouts inflicted by dickbag ‘Myspace wizards’. Gone are the days of having to scroll down three pages’ worth of flash and over-sized photos of the less-than photogenic band members. Bandcamp strips back the customisation options drastically. Whilst there are still ways to ‘brand’ your page, they don’t detract from the purpose of the site: to showcase a band’s tunes.

From a band’s perspective, there are literally no downsides. Creating a page is free; you can put whole albums up for streaming; said albums can be downloaded by your fans, either for free or at a price you set. From a fan’s perspective, the quality of the sound is better, you can listen to whole albums for free, and you don’t have to sit around for three minutes waiting for a band’s page to load. On the internet, where a second can mean the difference between a satisfied new fan and a bored troll clicking dat red cross, this cannot be underestimated.

So there you have it. Give me one worthy thing that Myspace can do that another better and/or widely used platform can’t and I will eat my cat. Or hat. Whichever is closest.

I think Tiddles is safe…

– CG

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