I was originally not going to put together this week’s Things That Are Fucking Metal post because I was feeling a bit under the weather, but then I got to thinking, “who in the fuck gets so sick they can’t afford to be witty?”

Not me, assholes. I’m no dipshit bed-ridden sob story. Being sick is pretty damn metal, and just thinking of what is going on inside my body is causing my heart to pick up its pace, throwing adrenaline and white blood cells all over the goddamn place so I get better even faster. It’s science and it works.

There’s fucking World War III going on inside of my body this very second. Viruses are mugging my blood cells and raping the fuck out of them, making even more viruses that grow up without daddies. It’s a tragic cycle, really. It’s guerilla warfare going on. The constant rape and pillage of my body is taking its toll, as my throat feels like it’s on goddamn fire. Goddamn molotovs.

But these assholes aren’t going to just enter my body and take over without any repercussions. My immune system is raising my body temperature to kill the virus scum, much like the ovens the Nazis used in WWII. My white blood cells are making their rounds and are literally eating the foreign bodies. I’m winning this war. I chugged some ‘Tussin, so I’m feeling pretty wired and on the cusp of victory. These colors don’t run; they dance all of the fucking place in a brilliant display. OH NO THEY HAVE RESORTED TO PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE.

Imagine if these cells were people. You’d have the bloodiest and most graphic war of all time, and you know they’d broadcast that shit on national television. My body avoiding death is good for ratings.

What makes being sick even better is that you get to stay home from school or work and watch the The Price is Right while you pray to a God you don’t even believe in that the old lady spinning that large wheel at the end of the show gets smacked in the head by one of the handles as it comes back around. Everyone wants to see that shit happen, but has it ever? Fuck no, it hasn’t. You’re a goddamn cocktease, The Price Is Right. I miss The Drew Carey Show.

Anyway, the best part is getting your friends sick. I do it all the time. I never cover my mouth when I sneeze or cough, as to test my company’s immune systems. If they aren’t up to par and get deathly ill, fuck em. They were weak people, and it’s survival of the fittest. If they make it through the disease, their systems are strong and up to par; definitely the kind of people worth hanging out with.

Actually, scratch that last part. Maybe that’s why I don’t have many friends.

– JR

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