Things That Are Fucking Metal: Pokemans

Everyone knows Pokemon are for little kids and huge fucking nerds.

OR ARE THEY?!

Let me break this down for you.

  • Children leave their homes unsupervised and travel across the country to tame wild beasts
  • Animal violence and cruelty
  • Being the very best (like no one ever was)
  • Dragons
  • Magic
  • Fucking magnets

This has the making for the best power metal concept album ever, and power metal is in dire need for a kick in the pants. In fact, Powerglove made the connection before I had the opportunity to drop some wisdom on you folk.

So, imagine yourself as a strapping young ten-year-old. On a special occasion, you go to see the local professor and he gives you a rat that shoots thunder from its goddamn body. Immediately, you’re like “why the fuck would you give a 10 year old an electric mouse or those elemental reptiles and amphibians, completely capable of killing fucking everyone?”

Because it’s awesome as fuck, is why.

So you take your new Pikabro into the fucking woods where you two tear shit apart and capture birds and bugs and sentient plants that you hunted with these magic balls that you can just carry around with you. Eventually you get a whole team of deadly animals at your disposal in which you travel to gyms and battle these fuckers in what is basically an elaborate and organized cross-species cockfighting ring. And you haven’t even gone through puberty yet.

Have I mentioned the poachers that are stalking you and trying to steal your dudes? No? Well they are, and they will never fucking go away.

To get a better understanding, think of your pet cat (I know you have cats, because cats are metal. Why? Because cats simply do not give a fuck. Stop asking stupid questions). So imagine what it would be like if your pet cat were three times as large and could breathe fire and you could just carry him around with you wherever you go inside of a capsule, just in case shit were to go down. This is pretty much expected of you in the world of Pokemans, except no such Pokeman exists. Get your shit together Gamefreak. Damn, Arcanine needs a feline counterpart.

Put down whatever casual dipshit game you have and get a REAL man’s game like Pokemon. What do kids these days have otherwise? Beyblade? Fuck off. You grew up with Pokemon, so forget about your mundane life and get back to that innocent world of wonder and adventure. I’m talking the original generation; none of these half-assed new ones. Nostalgia is a damn good feeling, and it’s the most metal of all retrospect.

My team centered around Charizard and Vaporeon are unbeatable. I’ll see you fucks on Victory Road.

– JR

Comments

Editor and founder of Heavy Blog Is Heavy. Social worker. Only doing this bio because of internal pressure to comply.






Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *