I am going to my first school dance tonight. It’s not because I’m a freshman in high school, I have just found a way to avoid every dance up to this point but EmocoreGF (I’m trying to teach her) comes with contract restrictions. Trust me, I don’t mind being with her, I’m going to make it fun no matter what, I just know exactly what type of music they are playing. The playlist will consist of rap, dance, maybe a country song, and then the classic “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” by Green Day. This is really the only thing I’m not stoked about tonight. But this got me thinking of a world that was run by metalheads, like the world that Dethklok lives within, and what their playlist for a homecoming dance would be. And so, here are the top songs I would want to hear at a homecoming dance and the order I would play them in.
“Bloodletting”—Lamb of God
Classic Lamb of God from the Burn the Priest era. If you have never heard this song, I highly suggest finding the Burn the Priest record. It is still one of my favorite from LOG. This is the opener to that album and is one of the loudest intro tracks I have ever heard. This would start those booties to get shaking.
Oh, Misha. Djent is truly becoming the groove of metal. Stoner metal has always been some of the grooviest of metal music (Mastodon plays funk in two of their songs on Crack the Skye; case and point), but something about those seven strings ripping djent chords through my heart just makes me want to dance.
“Deathmask Divine”—The Black Dahlia Murder
This is truly a song to cuddle up with your own MetalGF with lyrics like “Removal of the eyes gives my heart a saddened chill I preserve them in formaldehyde to gaze upon at will”, you can truly show the one you love that, if it came down to it, you would remove their eyes and preserve them in formaldehyde so that you could look at them even after you rape their dead corpse which is nailed to a table: romantic.
“Alpha”—See You Next Tuesday
This song is literally a five second breakdown section, which is all that is needed for an entire night.
Here is some prog with little to none screaming which will allow you to breathe a little bit. This might be a good time to get some punch because it’s about to get crazy.
“Gold Teeth on a Bum”—The Dillinger Escape Plan
This is one of the weirdest DEP songs out there and will really throw you for a loop. Let’s just say that it is like the “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” for this metal dance. Except it will actually sound good, and won’t be about crying, and broken dreams, because that’s gay and not metal. This is about poverty, and being rich at the same time, which is metal.
“Killing in the Name Of”—Rage Against the Machine
You know that girl you have been eyeing from across the dance floor? She is alone and you think the punch has been spiked so you just might have drunk enough courage to be able to talk her. Well, everyone is jumping in on this song. Get crazy, jump your way over to her, be subtle, play it cool, and go for the move.
Oh, that bass that drones on for a few minutes, that is for the slow dance. Then speed it up with the song. For “10,000 days in the fire is long enough.”
“White Smoke”—Every Time I Die
Another party song. At this point, everyone has at least had a little bit of the spiked punch and we are all doing stuff we shouldn’t. Why stop now?
“Diabetic Feet”—Kowloon Walled City
Clear the dance floor for the real dancers. This is when the kids come out who have been practicing their dance moves for months rock it out. Go big!
This is finally the time to get closer to your girl that you met tonight and will forget in the morning and to live your life for once and get closer to a girl’s butt than you have ever been in your life. Live it up.
“I Believe in a Thing Called Love”—The Darkness
The ups and downs in this ten-minute long song is a perfect ender a night with the exact same thing: ups and downs. Guitar solos are present and you will truly begin to see the past few hours flash before you. This is the time of your life. Did you have fun? Good. Now, here are taxes, a baby, a job you hate, and you have to cut your hair you have been growing for four years. Welcome to life.