This is my response to all the bands about to be mentioned

As a disclaimer, I intend no disrespect. In fact, this whole article is tongue-in-cheek so don’t take it offensively/seriously in any way, shape or form. I understand the effort, time and creativity it takes to make albums and that it’s a “career” (so to speak) that few can do successfully, especially with the lack of profits involved and the gratuitous amount of resources required. It’s utter passion that drives people to make good music and I have the utmost respect for these people. Again, the title speaks for itself. Plus, Alkahest egged me on a while ago to write something like this.

That being said, is anyone irritated, to any degree, with bands who take forever to release albums? Take a look at Wintersun and Necrophagist. These bands have albums that still aren’t out yet they’ve been in the works for such a long time. Though rushing albums isn’t a good idea (see Emmure), as the longer you take (generally) the better the quality of the end result, but as a personal gripe I’m always craving new music from bands that I love. It’s been at least 6 years since Necrophagist released an album and I don’t even want to know how long Wintersun will take with an album title like Time. That has to be a deliberate, trolling pun.

What irks me more are bands who (intentionally or unintentionally) tease you like mad. This also goes with the gripe of bands who announce albums long before they’re coming out, but I digress. Uneven Structure‘s Februus and Last Chance To Reason’s Level 2 come to mind on the subject of teasing. The former band’s first music teaser for Februus was released in March. Of 2009. It’s now October of 2010 and they don’t even have a release date for the album. I’m not even sure if it’s out of pre-production yet. They’re keeping quiet with the exception of the occasional video update. Fortunately, there’s no full track of the music they’re working on so it’s keeping me at bay. Where as Last Chance To Reason have not one, but two full songs on their Myspace that will be on Level 2. What makes it worse is I asked them on Facebook if the album was coming out this year and you know what they said? Probably not! Teasing assholes. They’re even developing a video game that’ll synchronize with the album.


God damn you, Last Chance To Reason.

Like having your weenie tickled? Then bands who release EP’s/singles are for you. This is the ultimate form of teasing. Bands who do this should be hit with a bag of bricks. If releasing an EP is meant to tide us over until an album then it’s not doing its job very well because it does the exact god damn opposite. It’s no different than lap dances or giving a fat kid only part of the cake. Oh sure, you get something, but people don’t want something. We want everything. Humans are greedy bastards by nature and anyone telling you otherwise is a delusional moralfag, a spokesperson for a club on the ethics of humans or a woman trying to hide the fact that she’s a gold digger. See what I did there? Even worse is when bands release multiple EP’s/singles. Seriously, what the fuck? How is this even legal? Can the RIAA at least do something right? Then again, I’m glad it is because everyone in the electronica scene would be in prison. Yes, I’m looking at you Marcelo Vasami. I have 59 tracks by you and not a single one is off an LP. NOT ONE. Go to hell.

Know what sucks? Looking at the tracklisting for an upcoming album and finding out a song is over 10 minutes when the band generally writes shorter songs. Except when you listen to the song you find out it’s actually 10 minutes of pointless fucking silence. Deal with it, you casual listener peasants! Chimaira‘s “The Heart Of It All”, The Tony Danza Tap Dance Extravaganza‘s “12-21-12”, The Absence‘s “Triumph” blah blah the list goes on. That has to be the biggest slap on the dick known to man. You know what was awesome? Finding out on Solution .45‘s pop metal/melo-death debut For Aeon’s Past that the last song was, indeed, 16 motherfucking minutes. And it was pretty damn good! This is for you, Solution .45:

(In all seriousness, though, does anyone know why bands do this? Does it have to do something with the physical copy? Or is it like a “hurr find the song in the middle of the haystack” kind of deal?)

Another douchebag move is when bands decide to throw the catchiest thing out the window after using it once or twice. Take “Maelstrom” by The Absence, for instance. The riff during the verses? Gone after the 2nd chorus. The intro to “States” by Cloudkicker? You bet your ass it only repeats once. “Ghost of Perdition” by Opeth? That part right at 6 minutes in? Yeah, restart the song if you wanna hear it again, prick. To an even greater and more grand sense, take the album Existence is Futile by Revocation. “Dismantle the Dictator” is one of, if not the, best songs on that album simply because it fuses a lot of elements and manages to stand out like suicide in public. Yet they never really write any songs similar in structure! A completely awesome formula, but it’s only done once! WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!? Tech death (and BTBAM) are the worst offenders. Pile that on top of uber short songs and you’re left with one unsatisfied, flaccid cock. “Sea of Memories” by Decrepit Birth? Over in 2 minutes. “Shitstorm” by Duck Duck Goose? It’s 57 fucking seconds. “Wounded Parade” by Sweet Cobra? 1:45? What the hell are you doing? Decrepit Birth does this all the time. But, they go from one catchy/memorable thing to another constantly so you know what? Share that brofist with Solution .45. You deserve it.

Last but not least: singles. Anyone else rage when they hear a really good song from an album and then find out the rest is really weak? Mnemic‘s latest album? Duck Duck Goose’s Off Yourself? The Arcane Order‘s In The Wake of Collisions? HeavyBlog doesn’t have enough bandwidth for me to type out a full list so I’ll spare everyone’s souls.

But at the end of the day, music still manages to be the most interesting, diverse and accessible form of entertainment. Who doesn’t like music?

Assholes. That’s who.

PS: Tags. Tags everywhere.



Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.