So I was sitting here and watching this black metal documentary Until The Light Takes Us. It’s a good film if you’ve never seen it, but there’s this infamous scene in it where, for no fucking reason at all, Varg goes off on an irrelevant tale about a conversation he was having in which him and a colleague were discussing corn flakes. Here’s the clip:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VTb3bjhpw8o]

And that got me thinking: the most important meal of the day is the most metal, and you bitches better believe that I start out my day the black metal way: with a big bowl of cornflakes.

Varg, as always, was correct. Crispy cornflakes are the way to go. Whoever he was talking to is clearly the biggest fucking false on the face of the planet and should have been stabbed in the head a good 20 times instead.  No, the crispier, the better. In fact, the same rule applies to any bacon consumed during your morning ritual. Bacon is KVLT as fuck because if Jews eat it, they go to hell. +1 tr00.

Every now and then, I like to treat myself to some frosted corn flakes. And no, I don’t mean those shitty mallcore Frosted Flakes with that Tony the Tiger faggot. Here’s how you make frosted corn flakes the right way; the metal way:

  1. Take a bowl of corn flakes and pour a small amount of milk over them.
  2. Put them in the freezer.
  3. Wait a month.
  4. Consume.

Frozen and frostbitten. It’s what Satan Himself would eat for breakfast if they could keep shit frozen in Hell. How’s that for some sad irony? Sadly, I don’t get to indulge often, as they are a bitch to prepare.

So obviously, cornflakes by themselves are great, but they often just don’t cut it. You’re a hungry man and crave more kvltrients. Here’s a recipe for something I like to call Church Toast.

  1. Take two pieces of white bread (that’s the purest kind) and put them in the toaster.
  2. Tape down the button.
  3. Put the toaster (still plugged in via an extension chord) in an oven.
  4. Bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes.
  5. (Optional) Spread with Nutella. Nutella is the shit.

Burned to oblivion, and you better believe it’s fucking crispy.

And of course, no morning routine is complete without an intake of caffeine. Of course, I like my coffee like I like my metal: black, hard, and of great duration. Bonus points if you have the balls to drink a thermos full of straight up espresso. You’ll be awake for days!

So there you have it. Stop waking up like a false and cram some real fucking breakfast down your gullet. With these tips and recipes, you’ll start stomping ass the second you step out your front door.

– JR

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