I just don’t fucking get it. Metal these days is filled to the brim with faggoty hippies who are against eating meat. Newsflash, you fucking idiots: Humans are on top of the food chain, dominant above all else. Why the fuck do you think we have incisors? Just for biting motherfuckers? Yeah, there’s that too, but it’s also for ripping through the flesh of a recently slaughtered chunk of veal. Asserting your dominance over the rest of the food chain by eating everything that moves will make you the most feared, and that is metal.

We didn’t get to the top of the food chain by sitting around eating grass all goddamn day. If we had done that, some other asshole of a species would have come along and slaughtered us all, just like we did to the cows. It’s Darwinism, folks. Kill or be killed; survival of the fittest. Our base instinct to consume flesh is the same base instinct that tells us to rock out. If you deny that need for meat, your metal-tude will be weakened. If we all stop eating meat, we’ll surely devolve into weaklings to be killed off by bears and sharks. And somewhere along the line, we lose the necessary genes to create metal.

It’s located on the Y chromosome somewhere. Trust me, it’s scientific.

Eating plants is all good and well and necessary for a balanced diet. Did you know chocolate comes from a plant? It’s a fucking miracle. But one can’t be expected to live off of nothing but plants. Humans are omnivores; we eat fucking EVERYTHING, and it is our base instinct to hunt and rip into the delicious meat of lesser beings. I shouldn’t have to explain why taking a bite of a delicious and medium rare steak is Metal. But I will, because I love you guys and I want you to act right.

That thing you’re cutting up in your mouth? It was once alive, farting and shitting (aka polluting) and generally being dipshits. It was then killed. Gruesomely. And now you’re eating it. That’s magical. It’s also metal. Look, meat has essential vitamins and minerals. You know what’s included in minerals? Metal. There’s literally types of metal in meat. Go ahead, look it up. I’ve already changed the wikipedia article.

What I don’t understand is how so many vegan pussies are entering metal and starting up a beef with beef. How are they able to make such ballsy music when their balls are being starved? It’s like dividing by zero; it makes no sense. Why would you do that, idiot? Didn’t your math teacher teach you better than this?

I have a theory: They’re all fucking lying. All these “vegans” that are playing metal and doing a good job at it are lying to keep the weak and gullible out of the genre of metal. Dolts will follow in their example and stop eating meat, thus leaving good metal to the manly. How stupid is that? Too bad I saw right through your plan eh, liars?

Wait, that’s actually pretty brilliant. Starve off the stupid hipsters so they don’t ruin metal. Why didn’t I think of that? Too bad I just ruined everything by being so damn crafty. Shit, now it’s time to think of something else. Let’s discuss it over some beef jerkey.

– JR

Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.