The Week That Made Me Weep

Why do we do it to ourselves?

Not again!

We metal bloggers put ourselves through some shit for you guys in the name of entertainment. Our broseph Grover XIII over at The Number of the Blog subjects himself weekly to shitty music, just so you can speak with authority on the vacuousness of various popular musical abominations without actually having to listen to them yourself, a mantle (for it is a manly mantle) that our own glorious leader Jimmy bore for a week whilst GroverXIII gave birth (that’s what I heard on the grapevine anyway).

We also listen to and review a whole load of crap in between your Deftones, your Iron Thrones, your Dillingers and your Ihsahns.

FSM knows why – although I think it has something to do with TNOTB‘s recent Trainwreck Tuesday/Shitty Music Saturday features – but I started to notice the ridiculous number of times both Justin ‘prays nightly for puberty‘ Bieber and Ke$ha ‘probably takes it up the bum in a back alley‘ Serbert songs were played on the radio whilst I was at work. Not even just one of them either; apparently people have allowed them to record more than one song, as if that wasn’t enough. Chroist.

Now understand that I’ve just spent three years completing a degree (First Class Honours, thank you very much), prior to which I worked at a job for a year that allowed me a certain amount of freedom with regard to what I listened to in the office. I’ve not listened to the radio in years – and with good reason. Some – some – radio music is okay. Sometimes they even get it right; I heard Faith No More’s rendition of Easy the other day.

So when I started my new job, the lack or originality shown in the radio playlists was hilarity – and I get the idea to tally the number of times Bieber and Ke$ha get played on the most banal of all the stations – one Capital FM – and relay my misery back to you, my metal bretheren. Because I can. Because I know you have to put up with it too. Because we are brothers and sisters in heavy, and so you know you are not alone.

You know what? Fuck you bretheren. What the hell kind of idea was that?

You see, in starting this, I had to continue; for the good of the article – nay, the site – nay, the internet! Before, it had been a little joke: “Hey, it’s Bieber again! What’s that, zillionth time today?!” Chuckle-chuckle, guffaw-guffaw.

But by the end of the week…well, you know what? Just read on.

Monday

The first day of the week was…tolerable. The offenders finished on an even 4 plays each. Although obviously excessive, there was at least diversity. And by diversity I mean the difference between having your fingernails pulled off and being poked in the nether regions with a red hot cattle brand. With it being early in the week though, only a mild palette cleanser was required. Took one Deftones with water.

Justin Bieber: 4

Ke$ha: 4

Tuesday

Another level day, with the slightly diminished score of 3 a-piece. What I began to notice today that I hadn’t before was the sheer lack of originality of Capital FM’s playlist. Most songs, those from these two aside, get played at least twice a day. I mean, I listen to some of my favourite albums a lot – sometimes twice a day or more if it’s brand new – but the same song? Lady Gaga; Tiny Tempah; Katy Perry. Only slightly less obnoxious, but increasingly annoying all the same. Cleansed with a relaxing bath* and Mastodon.

Justin Bieber: 7

Ke$ha: 7

Wednesday

Oh god. Make it stop. Please!

I had Bieber stuck in my head all afternoon. I attribute this to him moving ahead of Serbert today with 4 plays to 3, but the reason is irrelevant. Capital FM must be made to eat a collective turd sandwich. My journey home was spent blasting my ears with Iron Thrones. It soothed me, but failed to purge “and I was like baby, baby, baby, OH” from my head. Note to self: try something heavier.

Justin Bieber: 11

Ke$ha: 10

Thursday

I think my co-workers** are getting worried about me. They’re questioning the sanity of this endeavour after noticing certain signs: twitching eyes; neck spasms; sudden and disturbing screams. I guess this wouldn’t have been so bad it they didn’t come out mid sentence on the phone to clients…

In the interest of the project, they’ve started to pick up the slack after a couple of rage-induced blackouts made me drop the ball. 5-4 today. Dear lord, only one more day…bring me the motherfumbling Mare already…

Justin Bieber: 16

Ke$ha: 14

Friday

And to round off the week…eleven plays between them! Capital FM…are you trying to kill me? It’s been a long week. There’s been a stack of paperwork, the phone’s been ringing off the hook and people are giving me bullshit excuses for not paying us. Well, you asked for it! I’m gonna…I’m gonna….I’m gonna write a strongly worded letter! Yeah, you heard. You’d better watch out. My words are well strong, like…like a dinosaur or something.

So here they are; the final standings for the week:

Justin Bieber: 22

Ke$ha: 19

And when the smoke clears, Bieber has edged out Ke$ha (a name that has pained me every time I’ve given credit to that ridiculous dollar sign). So what does this mean? Who has actually lost? Does Ke$ha lose for having racked up fewer plays? Does Bieber lose for being the more saturated of the two?

Neither. The loser?

FUCKING. ME. Screw you guys; you can suffer alone from now on…

…until next time.

– CG

Link count: 8 [if you clicked them all, +10 internets for you.]

* Not really. Honest.

** Special thanks goes to Emelie and Seyhan, who helped me keep the true score when I would have otherwise missed some through rage-induced blackouts…

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