Inspired by GroverXIII of TNOTB’s series of posts regarding nu-metal, Heavy Blog Is Heavy will be counting down the top five reasons why the genre of deathcore is totally full of shit. If you want to throw in your two cents and call me out on missing out a gem that this genre has to offer, mouth off in the comment section. Be sure to check out my Five Reasons Why Deathcore Isn’t Total Shit for some better music. Enjoy!

So far…
#5. Oceano – Depths
#4. Emmure – Felony
#3. We Butter The Bread With Butter – Das Monster Aus Dem Schrank
#2. Wecamewithbrokenteeth – We’re Packing, Are You?

There was no avoiding it. I knew all week that I would have to listen to this album for this countdown and was dreading it. You knew it was going to happen, as it’s obvious that the self proclaimed “Kingpins of Death” in Waking The Cadaver would rear their ugly heads this week. When you’re talking about shitty deathcore, it’s hard to ignore the elephant in the room. Great minds think alike, I suppose.

I must start out by saying that I hate slam with every ounce in me. It has to be some of the dumbest music I’ve ever heard. Sure, sometimes it’s technical, but that isn’t everything. The vocals are shit, and to me, there’s very limited quality to be found in this subgenre. But when it comes to scraping the bottom of the barrel in terms of musical quality, there’s no doubt in my mind that Waking The Cadaver is the worst of the worst, especially on their album Perverse Recollections of a Necromangler. I’ve heard some of their newer stuff from their upcoming Beyond Cops. Beyond God. and they dropped much of their brutal slam sound in favor of a less shitty generic deathcore sound, but even still, the face of music will be forever tarnished by the shit stain in the undies of deathcore.

Apparently there are lyrics to this album outside of “BREEEEE”. You couldn’t really tell though, as the vocals sound like a downtuned coffee brewer. However, out of a morbid curiosity, I checked out the lyrics to this masterpiece.Give this a gander:

“Fuck! I’m craving some penetration because hoes, let me tell you, I do it unprotected like it’s my occupation. And guaranteed, you’re pucking up your lips for a spraying.”

“I can sense the smell of her snatch as it hunts me down. I know the insides of women and I’m always on the hunt for a fresh cunt to satisfy my baldass dickhead.”

Def-core Poetry Slam at its best. I’m beginning to wonder if this guy actually gets laid because he’s in this band. I’d imagine no women would be offended, as his lyrics are intelligible anyway.

So, there’s some slam, some breakdowns, and some brees. Whatever, business as usual. Then, halfway through the album, there’s an “Interlude” in which they take bong hits. Even their bongs sound disgusting. They cough and giggle like high school freshmen. After that, it’s more of the same racket being made by this band of brutal bros. There are even moments where it’s almost as if there is rapping in this vocal style on a couple tracks. I couldn’t tell you which ones though, as they all sound the same anyway.

The instrument playing is amature level at best. I’d imagine you’d only need two strings to play this stuff, downtuned into a muddy oblivion. The playing is sloppy and the tone of EVERYTHING is terrible. Remember that terrible snare in St. Anger? So much better than these pots and pans. Bass drum hits are clearly off time and sloppy in several songs. The bassist exists, as you can catch glimpses of him when the guitar stops in a couple of songs, but otherwise he’s useless and is inaudible. Guitar tone could be worse, but it’s still terrible.

The worst song on this album is easily the most famous, “Chased Through The Woods By A Rapist.” SHREDDED WHEAT. GRBGBGBBREEEEEE I LIKE SHREDDED WHEAT. The song is structured in such a manner that the breakdowns need negative-breakdowns in which things get faster to stir up some monotony. That’s right, kiddies. The songs are so slow and breakdown-oriented, that buildups are needed. It doesn’t get worse than this. This is the mirror-image to the classic death metal song structure. I’m calling it: buildups are the new breakdowns.

Honestly folks, it doesn’t get much worse than this in terms of musical quality. This is not art. It’s barely even music. It’s not even a joke. These guys are totally serious about what they’re doing, which is sad. At least some of the other terrible bands on this countdown know that they’re making terrible music and continue to do it on purpose. These knuckleheads are not. It’s bands like Waking The Cadaver that give metal a bad name and image. There’s nothing listenable about this at all, and you should avoid it at all costs. Waking The Cadaver is THE PRIME EXAMPLE of why deathcore is total shit.

Here’s some Shredded Wheat.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2I5Ps8igYo]

God, I’m glad this week is over.

– JR

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