Comments From Hell (04/11-04/17)

Chris Catharsis brings you the week in review of metal bullshit every Sunday.  All the news you might have missed and whatever else is on the chopping block!

Well here I am – writing my first post for HBIH.  It’s a humbling moment, not unlike my first trike ride or back alley BJ.  I’m no stranger to the metal blogosphere, having been the owner and primary writer for Spine Language for practically a full year now.  Good times were had by all over there.  I interviewed some great bands, had some original concepts, and even started an Internet war with Otep (check that one off the god damn bucket list).  My posting there has been infrequent as of late because it takes a lot of time and effort to make quality content that satisfies my perfectionism, but my partner Dasher is doing a great job of making it seem like I know what I’m doing.

But now it’s time to start a new chapter with HBIH, and it begins with this weekly metal wrap-up column.  I don’t intend to cover absolutely everything, just what I take notice of.  Think of it like the CNN ticker, except with choice comments from the dirty asshole I call a mouth.  The point is to stimulate discussion and catch you up on things you might have missed; we’ll see if either of those objectives are actually fulfilled in the end (my prediction: highly doubtful).

Time (or rather word count) is of the essence – so let’s begin.

  • Korn has started playing a new song from the new Ross Robinson-produced album, titled Korn III: Remember Who You Are.  The song is called “Oildale”, which seems nonsensical until you go Holy Grail hunting on Urban Dictionary.  Oildale is, and I quote, “a down ass town next to Bakersfield where them White Power Gangsters put in work.”

Jackpot.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CfE1UMZS51g]

  • Metallica casualty Jason Newsted will hold his first art exhibition between early May and late June in San Francisco.  The dude’s trying his hand at abstract paintings, though I’m not sure what exact period his work fits in.

Plaidthrowupism?  Grungebarf?  Aggrovomit?  You be the judge.

  • Kult Ov Azazel is releasing a best-of compilation.  They will take fan-submitted suggestions for the 15 song release through their e-mail address, [email protected]

BEST. E-MAIL ADDRESS. EV4R.

  • Fred Durst posted a clip of himself driving while listening to a new Limp Bizkit song entitled “Shark Attack”.

Shit was fresh.  Wiggers rejoiced.

  • A lecture on black metal titled “A Blaze in the Northern Sky: Spreading the Hatred” will be held in New York City on April 29.  This is the second time black metal has been treated like a mass communication theory.

See: Black Metal Symposium. This shit baffles me. When pretending to think intelligently about black metal, should your tie match your corpse paint?

  • Bret Michaels was rushed from a show in San Antonio’s Sea World to a hospital for emergency surgery to treat acute appendicitis.

Fret not, Joe Duplantier; God had the whales’ backs on this one.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9eljjOJwlDY]

  • Making-of footage for Slayer’s new video for “Beauty Through Order” was posted online.  The band is not featured in the clip, but there is a choreographed dance routine for a naked woman in “treacle”, otherwise known as syrup.

First Tom Araya can’t headbang anymore, now they’re trying to be Lady Gaga.  It isn’t the ketchup bukkake fantasy we got with “Bloodline”, but that’s not saying much.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJpjbIR4yuA]

  • The third Japanese Fanta commercial featuring ex-Megadeth guitarist Marty Friedman was released.  In the clip, Friedman is one of the guitarists for “The Fanta Band” and he stays on screen for less than a second, but the Japanese are so interested in this band idea that a manga has been created called “The Fanta Band Legend”.

A fucking manga for a commercial?  When are we getting the RPG?  “Marty casts Can’tMakeitinAmerica, 20+ HP damage!”

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jj1pHpSXRB0]

  • System of a Down side-project Scars on Broadway announced a reunion show.

Jesus wept.

  • A preview clip of Hellyeah’s new song “Cowboy Way” from their upcoming sophomore album Stampede was released.  The full song can be downloaded next Wednesday.

Vinnie Paul can’t download anything besides liquor off a white trash buttcrack.  And to be honest, I’d much rather have that than anything new from Hellyeah.

  • Gojira plans to record a 5 song charity EP for the anti-whaling organization Sea Shepherd.

Proceeds go the whales at Sea World who almost had to listen to Bret Michaels.

  • Type O Negative frontman Peter Steele died.

R.I.P. big guy, you will be missed.

  • Iron Maiden guitarist Janick Gers is supporting a campaign to free a four-foot handcarved stone penis from captivity in England.

Locals refer to the statue as “Bruce Dickinson”.

  • KISS released all sorts of new bullshit merchandise for their fans, including jumbo KISS soap and KISS trading cards.

I’m still waiting for the KISS gun so I can blow my fucking brains out rather than remain aware of KISS’s existence.

  • The new Ozzy single, “Let Me Hear You Scream”, made its radio debut.

…snore…

  • The Leach Streak is over, unfortunately.  Killswitch Engage announced new shows with HoJo back on vocals.  No official word yet on why he was absent for so long.

Was he alive or just breeding with porn stars?

  • Narnia called it quits.

Back into the closet with ye!  Or wardrobe, as it were.  I hope that big ass lion eats the shit out of you.

  • Taproot released the video for their new single “Fractured (Everything I Said Was True)” from the upcoming album Plead the Fifth.

Unfortunately, this album title has nothing to do with the band shutting the fuck up.

  • Godsmack released the video for their new single “Cryin’ Like a Bitch” from the upcoming album The Oracle.

No WAY, a UFC themed video?!  Who saw THAT coming?

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0eXIOK2vOhM]

  • Yet another metal cookbook, this one titled “Mosh Potatoes”, is due to be released at the end of November.

Le (Power) Chordon Blegh.

  • Soundgarden reunited under the moniker Nudedragons for a one-off show in Seattle.

Unfortunately, Chris Cornell’s homie Timbaland wasn’t able to make it.  Nelly Furta(r)do is a demanding bitch in the studio.

  • Periphery’s video for “Icarus Lives!” left the Internet feeling very moist.

Panty change – GO!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Ah6Y2chzz4]

And that’s all she wrote!  Leave your hellacious comments below!

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