More exciting than Chuck Mosely being wholly uninspiring in San Francisco is the non-singery ones from Tool being wholly inspiring in…a room…somewhere. Anywhere; doesn’t really matter.

From the March newsletter on

Members of the band are still in the process of writing new material (three days a week), and with the latest leg of the “Puscifer” tour nearing completion, it shouldn’t be long before the dry-erase board is filled with a bewildering array of color-coded intros, progressions, agitatos, con sordinos, crescendos, diatonics, inversions, resolutions, transitions, variations, obbligatos, consonance, and endings – the arrangements that millions will attempt to down-load off the internet.

Considering 10,000 Days was released all the way back in the dark ages of 2006, this can only be good news. Unless you don’t like Tool, in which case fuck you.

This is not all however. As I always suspected, Tool are into some crazy dark-arts shit.

However, knowing that many Tool enthusiasts are impatient, I’ve decided (perhaps unwisely) to provide a tool, if you Will, to help speed up the process, as well as one to make other Tool-related desires become a reality. This “helper’ consists of excerpts from an alleged grimoire (textbook of magical instructions) entitled “LIBRI OF VENEFICUS PRO TOOL.”

What follows is a lengthy description of various diabolical rites to get them to hurry the fuck up, play with Pink Floyd, and release a live DVD, amongst other things. Get your ass down to the dungeons, Harry Potter.

Anyone know where I can find a can of Campbell’s Cream of Caterpillar soup..?

– CG

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