Tag Archive: satire


So I was sitting here and watching this black metal documentary Until The Light Takes Us. It’s a good film if you’ve never seen it, but there’s this infamous scene in it where, for no fucking reason at all, Varg goes off on an irrelevant tale about a conversation he was having in which him and a colleague were discussing corn flakes. Here’s the clip:

And that got me thinking: the most important meal of the day is the most metal, and you bitches better believe that I start out my day the black metal way: with a big bowl of cornflakes.

Varg, as always, was correct. Crispy cornflakes are the way to go. Whoever he was talking to is clearly the biggest fucking false on the face of the planet and should have been stabbed in the head a good 20 times instead.  No, the crispier, the better. In fact, the same rule applies to any bacon consumed during your morning ritual. Bacon is KVLT as fuck because if Jews eat it, they go to hell. +1 tr00.

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I just don’t fucking get it. Metal these days is filled to the brim with faggoty hippies who are against eating meat. Newsflash, you fucking idiots: Humans are on top of the food chain, dominant above all else. Why the fuck do you think we have incisors? Just for biting motherfuckers? Yeah, there’s that too, but it’s also for ripping through the flesh of a recently slaughtered chunk of veal. Asserting your dominance over the rest of the food chain by eating everything that moves will make you the most feared, and that is metal.

We didn’t get to the top of the food chain by sitting around eating grass all goddamn day. If we had done that, some other asshole of a species would have come along and slaughtered us all, just like we did to the cows. It’s Darwinism, folks. Kill or be killed; survival of the fittest. Our base instinct to consume flesh is the same base instinct that tells us to rock out. If you deny that need for meat, your metal-tude will be weakened. If we all stop eating meat, we’ll surely devolve into weaklings to be killed off by bears and sharks. And somewhere along the line, we lose the necessary genes to create metal.

It’s located on the Y chromosome somewhere. Trust me, it’s scientific.

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[Once again, I included a preface. This is a joke. Take nothing I say in these articles seriously, unless it's obvious I'm planting some serious knowledge, which has been known to happen quite often throughout the day. Use discretion folks, you're smart people. This is the last time I'm leaving warnings, so enjoy! - JR]

Suicide is fucking metal, if I do say so myself.

I’m going into the field of social work which, by the way, is a predominately female career. It’s not that I’m doing a woman’s job per se, it’s just that I’m adding a man’s touch to an area in which it is lacking. Who better than a male metalhead to handle a job that helps people cope with depression and financial trouble? Metal is all about cathartic release, and couple that with my manly instinct of getting shit done, I’m perfect for the job.

So being a college student majoring in social work, I’ve read a thing or two about suicide, and obviously, I also know a thing or two about metal. That makes 2-4 things I know about when it comes to the correlation of suicide and metal. And speaking of correlations, I took a statistics class last year, which makes about 5 or 6 things! Add that to the fact that I own this piece of web space is proof I’m right. Fuck me, am I ever right!

But some people choose to stare in the face of facts and still think I’m wrong. The mere thought of those people caused me stop and take a breather and settle my metal rage. Whilst I was tossing around ideas for my next article on what makes metal so fucking metal, suicide came up. A girl who I was talking to at the time started spouting namby-pamby bullshit like “That is so insensitive! How dare you imply that suicide is in any way, shape, or form awesome? You are fucking sick.”

First of all, change your tampon.

Secondly, I never said suicide was awesome. I just said it was metal, which are two different (although slightly related) things. If there was a scale of Give A Fuck, it would be above not only “awesome,” but “jawsome” as well, which is a manlier notch above awesome.

Think of it this way: Death is undeniably metal. He walks around in a badass all black cloak (with none of that neon deep v-neck bullshit) and a scythe, arguably the most metal of farm tools. Death is metal personified metaphorically. It’s crystal fucking clear; just look around! We have an endless array of bands with the word “Death” or its variations in their name. For fuck’s sake, we have a band called Death! And they are rad as shit! If Death wasn’t metal, then how the fuck do you explain “death metal?”

That sound you’re hearing is the sound of minds being blown, and it sounds like blast beats.

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Things That Are Fucking Metal is new series of satirical comedy pieces that explores what makes metal so fucking metal. So hold tight and cut out the bitching, as it’s a joke. I know it’s sort of ruining the experience if I make it obvious, but I know there will be butthurt. So without further ado…

Metal is the musical equivalent of piledriving a shark, and much like shark piledriving, it should be left to the men to take care of. It takes testicular fortitude to write some deep introspective lyrics and pissed off music. Sure, we’ve all heard the saying, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” Yeah, that would be true if you want to listen to a song about bullshit Facebook drama and how poor their self-esteem is. No one wants to hear that shit. Get the fuck out of my office. Metal isn’t for people who get extremely butthurt and emotionally unbalanced for five days out of the month. I’ll admit, bleeding is one of the manliest and most metal things one person could do, but not when it isn’t caused by something awesome like a barfight or a motorcycle collision. The fact of the matter is chauvinism and metal go hand in hand. You can’t be metal without being manly. This is a fact of life and if you disagree, I will slap your shit.

Sure, you could make the argument that metal is a sausage festival, but did you ever stop to think that this is no coincidence? You bet your ass you didn’t, because you’re a dipshit. Women in metal are doing one of the two following things:

  1. Being eye candy
  2. Ruining it

Just look at Winds of Plague and their constant cycling of disposable female keyboard players. They could easily stick a man in that spot and get some real work done, because men have the natural instinct of getting shit done. But no, Winds of Plague are trying to scrape the bottom of the barrel and attract the lowest common denominator while trying to hide the fact that their music isn’t very good (which isn’t working, by the way). You know what happens when you have a woman in metal? They do stupid shit like taking topless pictures of themselves and stirring up drama where it doesn’t belong. Show some class, for Christ’s sake. You’re making yourselves look bad.

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[Now that April Fools is over, I feel like I need to put a disclaimer here. This is a joke. Not true. The album is actually terrible. Thanks for reading. - Ed.]

Rarely do we get a band in metal as notorious as Attack Aattack! People all over the internet cursing their name every chance they get. Incorrectly, might I add. I mean, people are out there misspelling their name all over the place. LOOK AT THE ALBUM COVER, PEOPLE. It’s Attack Aattack!, not Attack Attack! But I digress…

If you somehow aren’t aware of Attack Aattack! yet, they are a fusion metal band that takes elements of death metal, techno, pop, and hardcore. Attack Aattack are the unsung heroes of metal, and they will one day be cited as influential to the expansion of metal into other uncharted territory. To move forward, we need to experiment, and Attack Aattack! are not afraid to do just that.

I suppose I understand all the hatred that this band gets. Whenever someone comes along and pushes the boundaries of the metal genre to it’s limits and challenges the way we think about music, we tend to feel threatened. The same thing happened in the 80s when Metallica invented thrash metal and in the 90s when the Rage Against The Machine cover band Limp Bizkit hit it big. Haters gonna hate, sitting there in their computer chairs and drinking on their Haterade. Straying from the path is grounds for death. They can’t seem to take it when younger bands do it better.

For example, people bash Attack Aattack! for several different reasons, which are all hypocritical and utterly full of elitist bullshit. Attack Aattack! makes liberal use of autotune throughout the album during the tuneful choruses, and yet Cynic‘s Paul Masvidal gets high and mumbles through some autotune and everyone praises them as Gods of progressive metal. Cynic’s use of autotune is an epic fail anyway. Paul couldn’t write a catchy vocal hook to save his life.

Attack Aattack! however, does pop metal better than Faith No More and Devin Townsend combined, but with wholesome Christian lyrics such as

Now you have taught me
how to live by grace,
and I will do this until my dying day.
how could I ever fall away from you?
You taught me how to live like christ,
and how to show my face in the worst of times,
and all I can say is thank you.

Attack Aattack! even reach out to the kids with cleverly named tracks featuring hip and nostalgic pop culture references of years past, including “The People’s Elbow”, “Kickin’ Wing, Animal Doctor”, and “Stick Stickly”, the album’s dominating first single.

Attack Aattack! are also brutal as fuck. I’d imagine being at an Attack Aattack show would be like giving a boatload of E, glowsticks, and a laser light show at a Slayer show. I practically moshed by myself in my seat while listening to this album and it’s many many many many crushing breakdowns. They captivate the listener with a visceral and primal energy so fierce that one cannot help but swing their arms and legs around with complete disregard of the safety of the others around you. It’s that good.

Honestly, I don’t know what else I can tell you that will convince you to give Someday Came Suddenly a proper listen. It’s a modern musical marvel that is needlessly swept under the rug and continues to go misunderstood. If only people would start listening up and hearing the avant-garde experimentation and progression going on in this album…

Attack Aattack’s Someday Came Suddenly gets:

5/5!

- JR

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