The biting bi-weekly bible on all things metal is back, baby. I shouldn’t have to tell you that alliteration is metal; The Number Of The Blog builds their whole week around it. No, this week’s topic is on poverty. Despite the fact that money is said to be the root of all evil (and evil being a fairly metal concept), money has everything to do with awesome and nothing to do with metal. To put it simply:
MONEY = AWESOME
METAL = AWESOME
MONEY =/= METAL
Don’t give me that look. It’s called being mutually exclusive, dipshit. Was your ACT score a whopping 7? Fuck off. No, here’s the theory behind this money/metal mathematical mix-up (more alliteration, bitches):
- People are attracted to awesome things. This is Theoretical Awesomeness Gravity at work, also known as TAG. This may or may not be where the body spray got its name.
- Things with a large mass of awesome (such as a lot of money and music) have great gravitational pull. The more awesome something is, the more gravity it has. Metal is clearly the most awesome genre of music, and being the heaviest genre, it has more mass. This is making so much sense, it’s blowing even MY mind.
- When an assortment of smaller awesome things are combined with a large awesome thing, you get a Solar System of Success. More alliteration. Fuck me, I’m awesome.
- When two very large awesome things get too close, they pull into eachother, creating a clusterfuck of debris and bullshit that could reach critical mass and implode upon itself. Sure, you could sift through the rubble to find some gems, but most of the larger chunks of awesome have been incinerated. Too much of a good thing is bad for you.
- Therefore, when you get money too close to metal, they pull into eachother and collide, effectively ruining everyone’s good time.
Make sense now? Don’t be silly, of course it does. I shouldn’t have to tell you why a rich man making metal is bad news. What are they going to write about? Stock portfolios? Mortgages? There’s the door to my office. Get the fuck out. The metal will be boring and uninspired, with no artistic strive other than for financial gain. That’s not metal at all, man.
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