[Once again, I included a preface. This is a joke. Take nothing I say in these articles seriously, unless it's obvious I'm planting some serious knowledge, which has been known to happen quite often throughout the day. Use discretion folks, you're smart people. This is the last time I'm leaving warnings, so enjoy! - JR]

Suicide is fucking metal, if I do say so myself.

I’m going into the field of social work which, by the way, is a predominately female career. It’s not that I’m doing a woman’s job per se, it’s just that I’m adding a man’s touch to an area in which it is lacking. Who better than a male metalhead to handle a job that helps people cope with depression and financial trouble? Metal is all about cathartic release, and couple that with my manly instinct of getting shit done, I’m perfect for the job.

So being a college student majoring in social work, I’ve read a thing or two about suicide, and obviously, I also know a thing or two about metal. That makes 2-4 things I know about when it comes to the correlation of suicide and metal. And speaking of correlations, I took a statistics class last year, which makes about 5 or 6 things! Add that to the fact that I own this piece of web space is proof I’m right. Fuck me, am I ever right!

But some people choose to stare in the face of facts and still think I’m wrong. The mere thought of those people caused me stop and take a breather and settle my metal rage. Whilst I was tossing around ideas for my next article on what makes metal so fucking metal, suicide came up. A girl who I was talking to at the time started spouting namby-pamby bullshit like “That is so insensitive! How dare you imply that suicide is in any way, shape, or form awesome? You are fucking sick.”

First of all, change your tampon.

Secondly, I never said suicide was awesome. I just said it was metal, which are two different (although slightly related) things. If there was a scale of Give A Fuck, it would be above not only “awesome,” but “jawsome” as well, which is a manlier notch above awesome.

Think of it this way: Death is undeniably metal. He walks around in a badass all black cloak (with none of that neon deep v-neck bullshit) and a scythe, arguably the most metal of farm tools. Death is metal personified metaphorically. It’s crystal fucking clear; just look around! We have an endless array of bands with the word “Death” or its variations in their name. For fuck’s sake, we have a band called Death! And they are rad as shit! If Death wasn’t metal, then how the fuck do you explain “death metal?”

That sound you’re hearing is the sound of minds being blown, and it sounds like blast beats.

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