01. The Darkness
02. Love Itch
04. Nymphetamine Addiction
05. My Sunshine
06. Can’t Trust Love
07. Black Rose
09. Going Insane
12. Vampire Love
13. Blue Diamonds in the Mist
14. Dark Side of Love
15. Magical Women
16. Smoking That Sweet Grass
17. Rain Storms in My Head
18. Summer Rain
23. Daddy Dearest
25. Trapped Behind Dead Eyes
26. Ring Your Bells All Night Long
Let me tell you a story. This story is not of a man who could have taken a woman’s heart and run away with it. It is the story of a young, careless, reckless man who did not know what dangers life posed for him. He had a little dog. The dog was really fluffy, so he called his dog “Cheese”. Because he was eating cheese when he found the dog defecating on his front yard. He decided to adopt the dog and give it a loving home. But then something happened. He was robbed at a grocery store when he was shopping for q-tips, and on the way back from the robbery, he lost his eyesight during a freak ice-skating accident. Now that he was blind, he was unable to see Cheese, which would prove to be problematic.
But before that, let us talk about King Cobra. When I woke up this morning, I knew today wasn’t going to be a good day. It was very misty outside and mist is known in Greek mythology as a sign that foretells internet outages. Fortunately, I did not experience an internet outage, but that was the least of my worries. You see, I decided to review King Cobra‘s fourth album The Darkness. Someone once told me, “Hey man I need to go to the bathroom, could you watch my stuff?” I said yes, and he went to the bathroom and never returned. Turns out he was stabbed. I sold his laptop and bought this album. Actually, that’s a lie. There was no laptop. But I’m sure, someone, somewhere in the world, died at some point. Going back on point, this album is more than five hours long. The Darkness is some pretty avant-garde metal, and reviewing it is no small task. But I am up to it. I will prevail. Here we go.
Speaking of Cheese, he had a problem with wood. You see, the dog’s parents were crushed by a falling log, so he was perpetually afraid of wood. Too bad for him, because our protagonist’s house was made of wood. When our protagonist went blind, Cheese decided to escape from the wooden house, because he had a problem with wood. You see, the dog’s parents were crushed by a falling log, so he was perpetually afraid of wood. He planned his escape and one day, when his owner was sleeping, he slipped out from his cage, and ran towards the door of the house. Little did he know, his master already knew of his aversion to wood. You see, the log that crushed Cheese’s parents was actually a log that the protagonist had bought with intentions to fashion into wooden toothpicks, but due to a freak shoe-tying accident, he lost control of his log, and the log killed Cheese’s parents. The protagonist took Cheese in because of his pity, but he didn’t want Cheese to escape, so he had set a log near the door, knowing that the dog would try to escape from the front door and thus be scared by the piece of wood. You see, the dog’s parents were crushed by a falling log, so he was perpetually afraid of wood. Long story short, the log fell on Cheese and crippled him from the waist down. But this was just the beginning in a long series of events that eventually led to…
Wait, before that, let me tell you about The Darkness. This album is pretty unique. Before anything else that should be mentioned, there’s the crushing sense of depression that the album instills into the listener. This is truly the sign of powerful music. Nothing inspires the desire murder oneself better than this album. I’m not sure if that’s a compliment, maybe it is. Maybe we are all dancers to a discordant system, and there is nothing, no catch, just a colossal obscenity that is a sphere of chaos. The production on the album is quite remarkable too. Remarkable in that how little effort was spent on it, and remarkable in that how anyone could ever think this could ever be passable as something that sane human ears should encounter. You’re probably going to say: “Hey, why do dragons dream of electric sheep?” I don’t have an answer for that, but I have an answer to this: “Why is it ok for black metal to have bad production and not this?” The answer can be presented in the form of a poem:
The trials of man,
Is simple seen through the eyes of hen,
Only if there are greener pastures,
Than whatever flows through time.
Speech is just an impediment on mental processes,
Turning inside and outside and east side and west side.
If anyone ever gave me their addresses,
I would never drink pesticide.
The tale of tales that never was told,
The beer that no one drank cold,
Holy hell, I am getting old,
Burn, burn, burn.
A penguin burns in flames,
A penguin burns in flames,
A penguin burns in flames,
And so do I.
You see, since our protagonist is blind, he wasn’t able to tell that Cheese was crippled. He just treated the dog like normal. He rocked the dog in his lap, which caused immense pain to the dog due to its crippling injury. He put the dog’s food on top of the fridge as he usually did, which required the dog to jump all over the place to get to his food, which caused immense pain to the dog due to its crippling injury. When he threw a ball and expected it to be fetched, Cheese would fail him because, well, he was crippled. So he beat the dog, branded it with hot iron, which caused immense pain to the dog due to its crippling injury. One day, he decided to take the dog to a vet because the dog wasn’t making sounds anymore. Turns out that he branded the dog’s tongue so it lost its ability to speak. Pro tip: don’t brand dogs when you’re blind. He was driving to the vet, and then he had a freak automobile accident, which caused the brand that he had in his car to brand his right hand. Pro tip: don’t drive when you’re blind. Anyway, Cheese was a good dog, so he dragged his master out of the car. But the protagonist’s foot was stuck in the car, so in order to save him, Cheese had to chew his master’s foot off. Turns out that he was wearing wooden shoes, which caused immense emotional trauma to the dog. You see, the dog’s parents were crushed by a falling log, so he was perpetually afraid of wood.