Things That Are Fucking Metal: Poverty & Homelessness

The biting bi-weekly bible on all things metal is back, baby. I shouldn’t have to tell you that alliteration is metal; The Number Of The Blog builds their whole week around it. No, this week’s topic is on poverty. Despite the fact that money is said to be the root of all evil (and evil being a fairly metal concept), money has everything to do with awesome and nothing to do with metal. To put it simply:

MONEY = AWESOME

METAL = AWESOME

MONEY =/= METAL

Don’t give me that look. It’s called being mutually exclusive, dipshit. Was your ACT score a whopping 7? Fuck off. No, here’s the theory behind this money/metal mathematical mix-up (more alliteration, bitches):

  1. People are attracted to awesome things. This is Theoretical Awesomeness Gravity at work, also known as TAG. This may or may not be where the body spray got its name.
  2. Things with a large mass of awesome (such as a lot of money and music) have great gravitational pull. The more awesome something is, the more gravity it has. Metal is clearly the most awesome genre of music, and being the heaviest genre, it has more mass. This is making so much sense, it’s blowing even MY mind.
  3. When an assortment of smaller awesome things are combined with a large awesome thing, you get a Solar System of Success. More alliteration. Fuck me, I’m awesome.
  4. When two very large awesome things get too close, they pull into eachother, creating a clusterfuck of debris and bullshit that could reach critical mass and implode upon itself. Sure, you could sift through the rubble to find some gems, but most of the larger chunks of awesome have been incinerated. Too much of a good thing is bad for you.
  5. Therefore, when you get money too close to metal, they pull into eachother and collide, effectively ruining everyone’s good time.

Make sense now? Don’t be silly, of course it does. I shouldn’t have to tell you why a rich man making metal is bad news. What are they going to write about? Stock portfolios? Mortgages? There’s the door to my office. Get the fuck out. The metal will be boring and uninspired, with no artistic strive other than for financial gain. That’s not metal at all, man.

However, when you have a homeless man write metal, he’s going to write some damn good shit. He’s going to be pissed off at society, he’s gonna be greasy and unwashed, and he’s not going to have anything to lose. You can bet your ass that this bum’s going balls-out. Take Bill Robinson, for example.

He’s homeless by choice, living out in a field where he tends to marijuana crops, dropping acid, and dreams of slaughtering every single one of you. Oh, and in his spare time, he’s the vocalist of technical melodic death metal band Decrepit Birth. That is so fucking metal, that just thinking about him is stimulating my facial hair molecules, causing enhanced beard growth.

This is why modern mainstream rap is so fucking terrible. It’s all about bitches, bling and getting paid, son. Don’t get me wrong; bitches, bling, and getting paid, son are all awesome in themselves, but when combined with music, you get a halfassed attempt. If you’ve already got a fuck ton of money, what motivation do you have? You have nothing to gain, so you don’t even need to try. That’s why poor underground rappers tend to be so fucking awesome. I can bet that Aesop Rock isn’t exactly the richest rapper out there; I can tell because his music is good and he doesn’t rap about making money. Come to think of it, I’m not exactly sure what he’s rapping about, but I never once heard the word “bling,” and that’s good enough for me… but I digress. The point is, when you have rich white guys trying to make metal, you get shit like KISS and new Metallica, and that’s a clusterfuck if I’ve ever seen one.

Metal Archives needs a wage cap. If any member of your band makes more than 25 grand a year, you’re fucking out.

If you want to be metal, you have to be poor. Live in a small and shitty van with four other equally smelly and hairy dudes as you travel across the nation playing shows to get your music out. Your music will improve tenfold if you aren’t living comfortably. If you’re too comfortable, what kind of catharsis could you possibly achieve? Sell your home, buy some guitars and a van, go forth, and be metal.

– JR

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Editor and founder of Heavy Blog Is Heavy. Social worker. Only doing this bio because of internal pressure to comply.






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